Icewind's Ramblings

It would most likely kill me but that's another story! Most of us men are clueless in trying to figure out women. We try real hard but for some reason can't quite get it right. Here are a few examples: A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Rose... Rose...." "Is that you, Douglas?" Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast then I have sex. I bathe in the sun, I then have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Douglas , you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbi...

We were out with friends tonight getting into the Christmas spirit way up North. The lights all over the city shining brightly and the decorations Downtown and in neighborhoods looks really great. Anchorage is in the middle of the “City of Lights ” Festival which runs from October until March. This runs from just before Halloween until the last dog crosses the finish line in Nome , Alaska at the conclusion of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race. We had a great time tonight eating “All you can Eat King Crab legs” from one of our favorite little restaurants, Phyllis’s Café and Salmon Bake. They are open this winter with a nice cozy feel. There is an outdoor area for summer dining along 5 th Avenue , one of the main streets Downtown. Great food, funny stories (we all laughed way too much and were entertained by the floor show), and a musician who played songs and talked with everyone. This will be another quick post of a couple of items. Employee Christmas Party MEMO ...

I have been out most of the evening to a vendor's Christmas Party so this is a short one for me tonight so I don't ramble on. Happy Holidays. A friend sent this to me awhile back during fishing season. Ice

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog Ice

Ask for nothing Accept graciously that which is given to you Be thankful always See good, do good, Be good Be Silent and listen. Smile (It changes the world) Perform random acts of kindness to others Ice

Barkeep I'll have a pint of Guinness and a glass of that Crown Royal Special Reserve that Russ got me for ABCon. After a week of above average temperatures with a high of 44 degrees (7 C) one day last week things are starting to happen all over Alaska . It was a weird time as an Alaska Street gang was seen wandering around. As you can see, things are out of hand: Late last night things were getting back to normal when temps started falling again and yes, it finally HAPPENED!!!!. Yes, HELL finally froze over. I was shocked to see things had gone crazy here. This dick in a truck pulled out in front of me on the way home tonight as it has been snowing all day and everything was slick and people were upside down in the ditches. I was able to miss this nut but couldn't get a license plate number. Luckily I do keep a camera with me for job pictures so I was able to get a quick picture to help me find him again. ...

Returning from a fishing trip a while back we drove behind a vehicle for almost an hour with her (ok to be fair), her/his left turn signal on without making a turn. It drove me nuts as I’m sure you have noticed all of the drivers riding around with their left turn signal on? They will ride for miles and never even change lanes let alone turn. I remember my cruise out of south Florida two years ago and it seemed like everyone in the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale area was turning left. Everyone had a blinker on but seemed unable to commit to anything. Maybe they were trying to turn around to head north towards Atlanta , my old stompin’ grounds. During that time I was thinking about all of the junk emails and spam I tend to get in my inboxes. Today I thought I would answer some letters from recent e-mails and letters from confused readers about varied topics. (I’ll use Florida as the addresses since I had been thinking about the Miami drivers) Dear Icewind , I keep g...

Why is it wrong or rude to fart? I have pondered this question for awhile now as I have gone through many different times with having plenty of “gas”. It has been that way as long as I can remember and my attitude has always been to “air it out”. The idea of holding things in to ferment and grow into this eye watering, gagging, and nostril burning being that takes a life of its own would not be good for anyone. I am not saying I fart anything that smells like a “springtime meadow” scent or anything but I do feel by ridding my system quickly the short term event is better than a long hanging cloud surrounding the area. There have been times I get into trouble for being so open and “honest” in this condition and some wonder how I can make jokes at those uncomfortable times. I try to see the humor in this and not be totally embarrassed and that may be the point that others try to make with my actions. I at times just wish others would have the courage to “let her rip” if...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough in the account in the first place? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why did Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots all wear helmets? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized since the last look? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manages to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity ...

Letter to home; Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route ...

A pilot discovers sumpin' wrong with his aircraft he fills out sumpin' known as a squawk list so the mechanics can fix the problems once they are known. This happens with all aircraft whether a commercial airliner, corporate aircraft, or even the training planes with a student pilot. Anyway, looking back through some old aviation items of mine I came across this compilation of actual problems and solutions from squawk lists. (P = The problem as logged by the pilot) (M = The solution and action taken by the mechanics or engineers) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. M: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. M: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. M: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute de...

I needed a laugh tonight so I thought I would post a story that has had me laughing for a while now every time I re-read it. It was written by Daniel Meyer in his "Life is a Road" series of books. Most of us call it the "Squirrel and the Motorcycle" story between the laughs but the real title was called " Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won’t Patrol Brice Street )" and can be found here. Now put put your drink down and enjoy: I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too. Occasionally, as a rider I have caught mysel...

For those of you that know me, or have been around me over the years know that I like to share with you my little special stories. Most of you know that the name Icewind = cool farts . It was better than the “Bugle Butt” name my niece gave me many years ago. I loved the t-shirt she gave me but no one would let me wear it out in public. (Disclaimer – I know that some times I tend to take the liberty of embellishing the facts in some of my stories for the humorous effect. For the record, this is as close to 100% an accurate account of such events as I can remember) Having pretty active bowels and the sounds that came from me sometimes embarrasses people in my life. One of the ways I have found over the years to keep my “noises” to a minimum is with frequent movement of my bowels. I try very hard to stay on a schedule that allows me to only go in familiar places. I mainly try to go at home and have gotten comfortable (out of necessity) to go at work but I do no...

Here's an interesting story sent to me by a friend. I thought it was funny and wanted to share it with you. Here’s the story from the person's point of view: I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house. They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No way, absolutely no way was I going to permit this. I gulped down my last bit of coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not going to permit his crew to put that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture window. He took out a map for pole locations and a right of way document and explained that it is the best location for it. I told him it is not the best location for me and when I came home from work that day I did not want to find that pole in front of my window. I told him I didn't give a hoot where he put it but not in front of m...

It's that time again . . . Most of you know that I really enjoy putting up Christmas Lights and over the years I have been kidded about being the Chevy Chase character that National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation was based upon. I remember being inspired by the light displays in rural Georgia that the Hardy family would put on every year. I would drag everyone to make the “short” trip to see them and we would leave about 5:30 pm and return home worn out from the drive around midnight. My family humored me every year and I would come home and buy additional lights each year during the “after Christmas” sales or I would find them at yard sales so I could add more the next year. I must say I out did myself this year, enjoy my little video of lights and sounds. Click here to load short video. Doesn’t it remind you of the displays put on in your area? I always loved the ones where you would drive through and stop and have hot chocolate and roas...

the time we need a funny story. It's cold, dark, and snowy here in Alaska as I look on the internet at the upcoming vacation cruise in March. I can dream of the warm air, the balmy breezes, and the slow pace of this unique travel experience. It reminds me of a story that another Southern humorist, Lewis Grizzard used to tell in his concerts years ago before he passed away. It is the story of an older retired couple and the renewed spirit of youth getting ready for a cruise. Enjoy: Mr. Wojciehowicz had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "Why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?" Stanley thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. Stanley stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "You know dear, I've be...

I saw this and thought it funny on another site and thought I would share. What a hoot! The Kern County, California, Sheriff's Department orders plain white patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case, what they ordered was not quite what they got. This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the Graphics company employee did on the passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for the graphics company before he retired. I love this but could you do it on your last day? Ice

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy. How did your brain do? Time for another Guinness . Ice

(Continued from last nights post) Around several turns and over some slight hills we came to a “Dip” in the road. It was the word someone had painted on the road just before your vehicle “dropped” into this giant hole that had sunken from a frost heave last winter. The DOT had no signs to warn anyone but previous victims had painted the road on both sides to try to warn people. Luckily we were not going to fast when we crashed into this hole bottoming out and having to stop and look to see if anything had been damaged or if any fluids were leaking out anywhere. Several other cars behind us hit the same hole and pulled over to check out their vehicles too. Everyone wondered how this hazard was not better marked and we looked for abandoned vehicles that had to be around somewhere. During this time as we looked around and over the embankment we could see the river flowing down the valley. In the distance we could see Exit Glacier coming out of the valley f...