Do you know the 1-3-5 Rule?

Working in the plumbing industry for many years and observing people I have noticed a few things. Some might say I either have too much time on my hands (mind) or just have a slightly twisted look at life. I tend to think it is just a waste to not think of the possibilities out there and to consider things that most may not have time to think about. It then is my duty to report my findings to everyone here.

Most people (women) and a few men, especially those who don’t use a urinal, fail to realize the complexity of today’s modern bathroom ethics. Urination, not to mention defecation, in public restrooms always creates a paranoia in most people (women included) involving a lack of privacy. This fear is eased by finding of a urinal which is the farthest away from fellow “pissers.” Unlike the concept of infinity, this theory is fairly easy to grasp. It’s a man thing I guess probably started by the military in latrines with no partitions between toilets and urinals. Everything was in the open with rows of toilets facing each other so it was ‘easy’ to converse with your fellow soldier while going to the bathroom. I usually tried to wait until after lights out to go but then the sentry on duty would normally wander in so you were never alone to do your business.

The 1-3-5 rule allows for this separation of pissers or should I call them pee’ees. Let’s take a look at the basic bathroom layout of 5 urinals (such as in the Sullivan Arena here in Anchorage) and see an example. The first pisser would clearly go to the first (1) or last (5 – preferable to 1 because of greater distance from door and other people) to prepare himself for the expected arrival of the second pisser. The second pisser would then of course take the vacant end spot that the first did not take. Simple enough isn’t it? This is where the 1-3-5 rule now comes into effect. Let’s say you walk into the bathroom and there are two dudes letting the gold flow like the summer of 1949, one on each end of the old 5-headed mount Rushmore. It is imperative that you, as the third member of the urinary persuasion, take the middle urinal. While you will be increasing the distance between you and one of the others, you will be drastically decreasing the distance to the other, to a point at which both of you are extremely uncomfortable.

Some of you may already be thinking questions. First off, what happens when one of the pissers disobeys this sacred law and is taking his dog for a walk in the 4 slot, and there is already a pisser in the 1 spot? Unless it’s an emergency, and we’re talking stalls taken and possible anal leakage if you need the ‘stall’, you would just wait out the infraction. It will make everyone a lot happier in the end with no ‘pucker factor’ involved by anyone.

Next, what happens in a situation such as the upstairs bathroom, in which there are 6 but 2 are taped off or boarded up. Just think of this rule of thumb. Never allow there to be a pisser to be immediately to the left or right of you. Always give yourself some space. And unless they’re asleep at the switch, don’t have a pisser right in front of you. Under no circumstances should you have anyone behind you.

One final question usually is what happens when you have an emergency and the 1-3-5 setup is occupied already. Under no circumstances should you invade into 2 or 4. Not only does it make everyone there uneasy, it will leave a lasting mark on everyone there. One of the three original pissers will undoubtedly mention your infraction to anyone who will listen, and it will be spread around the office or school that you’re lame and cannot follow the rules of restroom etiquette. Even if you have to uncork the champagne all over your trousers, it would probably be better to do so. You might suffer a small embarrassment, but in the long run, will make for a great story for the office and get you, infinite props for upholding the sacred 1-3-5 rule.

Side note: It should be noted that at hockey games, the rules are a bit more lenient because you don’t want to miss a fight, and lame people usually don’t go to hockey games or any real sporting events, it is safe to relax just a little.

Ice