Icewind's Ramblings

“Why are farts funny?” Most of my life has been spent researching this phenomenon and reporting the various circumstances for its embellishment.   My nickname has long stuck with me and I am sure over the years it has set off a few people . . .   some with disgust (from the smell) others with laughter (from the sounds) leaving some in pure astonishment (jumping up and cutting one while in the air).   Well, I’ve thought about this and I think I know why farts are funny.   I do believe it’s the surprise factor.   In comedy, a joke is funny because the punch line is unexpected.   A fart is like a smelly little punch line. This theory is confirmed by the fact that the funniest farts are the ones that are the least expected.   For example, a fart is funnier if it comes from someone who doesn’t usually fart or when the fart sneaks up on you in an inappropriate location (Nordstrom’s, church, job interview, etc.).   Another that I have discovered a...

It’s been busy here and it took me a couple weeks to write this so I could post but the next time you’re having a bad day . . . just think of me. Having a bad day?   Cheer up it could have been like mine! So what did I do today? Well . . . I had a once (hopefully) in a lifetime experience today.   Something most people will never have to go through, if they’re lucky!   I went to see a dermatologist for a sore that is not healing. No big deal right?   I’ve had an old ‘war injury’ for over 35 years now and from time to time I get a flare up to the skin as either dryness or other condition irritates things . . . down there.   It’s sore from time to time and I’ve had this round since the end of 2011.   It is no big deal because it’s in an unmentionable location of course it’s only unmentionable by most people’s standards, not mine.   I’ll just say it . . . it’s in my a$$ crack.   I could say butt crack, but a$$ crack is a lot funnier to say and m...

Tomorrow is Bike to work day and my company is hosting a BBQ for our new interns who come in to work with us during the summer months.  The combination bike day and a welcoming BBQ will make it a fun time and the weather is looking great for the event.  I was volunteered to help cook and people were bringing side dishes and deserts.  I figured I would give everyone a treat with my slightly different baked bean recipe. Baked beans are a favorite side dish in the South.  It's rare to go to a barbecue or to a pot luck dinner and not see a baking dish with baked beans. Some baked beans are a whole lot better than other baked beans . . . it takes some "doctoring up" to make the really yummy baked beans . . . the kind that means you come home with an empty casserole dish or crock pot.  If you’re really lucky someone will take the cornbread and lap up the juice in the bottom of the dish. There are probably as many baked bean secrets in the South as there are South...

I need to come clean since I pretended to be asleep last night after “The Incident”. I would like to give you a little back story before I confess.  This past weekend was one of those times where there were multiple things going on and everyone is required to give way from the normal routines and go into that feeding frenzy mode that comes during these times. We had the start of the Olympics with the athletic competition getting underway on Saturday.  Then add to that the happenings in Daytona with auto racing which included Danica Patrick’s debut in the Nationwide Series 300 and the running of the 52 nd annual Daytona 500 NASCAR race and you have the makings of a stomach disaster. To properly watch any of these events you have to prepare for them.  The Super Bowl has its ‘must haves’ to do it up just right.  There is always chili, hot dogs or hamburgers, nachos, and the chips & dip that set the mood for the afternoon.  Mine was no different where you...

Dog Farts . . . or how my eyes were burning as I woke up this morning. Sometimes dog farts tend to be nastier than some of our best human counterparts.  My wife’s dog Gus lets go of some absolute beauties . . . and he knows it too.  I have been known to pinch my nose and give my traditional cry of "Awwwwww Gussssssss!", as he never moves off the bed just looking up at me with innocent eyes in the dimness of the bedroom as if to say "What?"  But I know that he knows, because of the way he looks away again just a little too quickly hoping he will be left alone and not thrown or kicked off the end of the bed.  The other night he was in fine form after sneaking the remnants in a bowl of chili . . . his own pungent smell woke him up . . . and he indignantly got up . . . jumped off the bed and left the room!  Of course leaving behind the toxic cloud in his wake, luckily it wasn’t mine and no one else woke up so I did not get blamed for polluting the room. Of cou...

What is a brain fart?  From what I understand, just as one can’t really hold on to their fart that is about to escape through clenched cheeks, brain farts are those thoughts that randomly escape out of your brain through your mouth and into the air, polluting it for a few seconds.  Depending on the person of course, some stench may linger and some don’t. Sometimes our minds work well and the creative juices flow and ideas to write about come quickly and make my “topics” list or “story list”.  I can think of something and later easily recall enough of the idea to jot down something to jog my memory later when I can spend time working on and developing the writing. Don't you love it when you are excited about something . . . and then when it comes time to do/say whatever it is you wanted to say/do . . . you have a brain fart and have NO idea what it was you were so excited about in the first place?  Well, if that has never happened to you . . . GREAT!  H...

I love the internet as you can find almost anything with a few key words or a brief description.  There is information on subjects or topics from all walks of life and that cover any side or point of view about a subject. Example: Itchy Butt has much information with a quick Google search and trying to find a remedy could be found in of all places on Craig’s List.  Even Answers.com gets a hit! What a product to help you stop itching . . . Here's the text of one testimonial ad for AnaNOitch-D on Craig’s List: "Hello there, I bought two bottles of AnaNOitch-D to get rid of my rectal itching.  After just a few days of using this natural remedy the itching stopped.  Now I don't need the second bottle.  I paid $33 for it as you can see on their website, but I will sell it to you for $14.  If you live close by, you are welcome to come over and pick it up.  Please let me know.   Myra . " Now that's a sure sell if you suffer from this ailmen...

I’ve had this one tucked away for many months now debating when to post it as I have moved away from some of my earlier funny but questionable musings.  But I do feel it is a subject that many experience but may never have thought to ask . . . Well that’s why I am here to help . . . your itchy butt expert who took two years of research without any government grants to give you this insightful information. Have you ever needed to scratch your butt in public but there were too many witnesses?  Well I have a solution for you for just about any situation. Icewind’s Guide on “How to Scratch your Butt in Public (without unwanted stares)”. 1. The Wall Approach - Slowly back-up towards the closest wall possible. Then, take desired hand & move it towards the itchy buttocks.  Scratch uncontrollably, until its better. 2. The Pants Approach - “The Back Pocket” carefully reach into the back pocket of your pants.  Slowly itch the desired cheek and act like yo...

I read a lot of blogs when I get the chance on all kinds of subjects and one that seems to get a ton of verbiage is about people who work in offices.  Some are complaints about people who have co-workers who steal their lunch or co-workers who wear too much perfume.  A few about those people who haven’t mastered email etiquette at work.  I read blogs where people rant about their bosses, complain about their work schedule, moan about their cubicle size. Which makes me feel somewhat guilty. Because usually . . . I don’t have anything to complain about.  Sure, I might have a backlog of work from submittals or O&M manuals waiting for my attention or a list of calls to return but is that really something to complain about?  Not really.  The work hectic but I think I thrive on it if truth be told but this is just . . . It’s sort of a gross story, but I did it as a child too . . . so I can understand the appeal. (Get it . . . A PEEL?  I’m here all ...

I have been thinking lately . . . I know that may not be a good thing but it happens sometime. I wanted a glass of Beringer’s as I was writing this but none could be found so I will just have to do without for awhile. Back to my thoughts . . . recently it came to me as probably most people who share time with other people that there are those things that happen in the normal course of everyday living. The thing that struck me was what might seem normal for me might not be ‘normal’ or acceptable to others. They might be those annoying things that either totally gross out the other person but they may never say anything and let things go on possibly for years and years. You probably know where this is going by now as it gets down to those basic things of living in close proximity with other people. Do you “let it rip” in front of your spouse or mate? Then it gets into the whole ‘fluffing the covers’ issues whether that is foreplay to some while total...

This post got buried in my ‘working folder’ from when Scott and I took our families to Mexico on vacation. It’s strange to dig in there after awhile and see what craziness lies beneath the laughter. I’ll throw it out there now to go along with our lengthening days since I had originally wanted to brighten a long dark night several months ago. During one of the many fabulous dinners while at the Moon Palace there was one night where the families went to eat a Cajun meal in one of the 13 restaurants on the compound. After dinner when the families had split up and gone on to other things to do Scott and I headed to the beach bar for a couple of drinks and some laughter before heading to our rooms. We had both eaten big bowls of jambalaya for dinner along with several other spicy entrees and after a couple of hours it was working its way through both of us. The jambalaya was full of some spicy sausage goodness, but about an hour or so later, my intestines were p...