Icewind’s instructions on “How to Poop At Work” . . .

Let me assure you the following post is probably tasteless to some but is in the “normal” realm of my thinking. Most would probably feel the same way also if you had the time to spend thinking about such things. But this is my blog so I’ll fire this one off anyway.

This is one of those "GUY POSTS". One of those sick tasteless bits of satire dressed up as humor, but in reality is probably humorless. Bathroom Humor as it were, that one place when even at home alone, some would tend to shut and lock the door . . . for fear the dust mites or some other invisible creature might be lurking about and hear us doing our business, much less the dreaded farting, my Icewind trademark. But oh, if the moment strikes when at the workplace, there are rules that must be followed or at least considered.


HOW TO POOP AT WORK: We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of us who hate pooping at work, the following is the survival guide for taking that work dump.

CROP DUSTING: is what I call it when farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this and do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk that extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This can sometimes be accompanied for some people by a sudden wave of embarrassment if anyone is around within earshot. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it if others is around to share it with you. Pretend it did not happen or if you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend you did not hear it or blurt out something funny. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy but is necessary at times.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. It’s lame but some people use it as a way to not be embarrassed.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the whole bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH and some people blame it on the person who just left before them.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. These people take up residence in there and you will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK: (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. These are your true friends at work who share a special bond with you.

SAFE HAVENS: This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom but does take some of the fun out without having anyone to share the experience with.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking & vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the turd burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all of the uncomfortable eye contact or verbal exchanges you may be thinking.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants in the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential turd burglars. Sometimes very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert the potential turd burglars that you are occupying a stall. This little dancing two step will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often is accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire but sometimes this has no effect.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

If you are still reading at this point you now know the subtle ins and outs of work pooping which without completing may cause a work stoppage.

Now on to other things . . .

Ice