Dispelling a myth – Penguins in Alaska

After all these years it's disconcerting to once again encounter another myth about Alaska. That brings up another one. I've been holding this in for months, but I finally have to say it: There are NO Penguins in Alaska! The only penguin in the northern hemisphere is an occasional lost Humboldt penguin that strayed too far from his Galapagos Islands base.

Coca Cola and Madison Avenue have created an urban legend that polar bears won't eat penguins at Christmas time if they can have a coke instead. Unfortunately polar bears don't live in the southern hemisphere where all the penguins are.

That reminds me of a punch line from a southern USA joke, “It’s a trick General Sherman . . . there’s two of em”. Now I was born and raised in Atlanta, the world headquarters for Coca Cola and I have had more than my share of Cokes in my lifetime . . . but for the last several years we have had those commercials. They are great in the simplicity and are beautifully done with the colors and hues used. The ‘story’ is an intriguing one with the little ones sliding down the hill and all but folks . . . it’s not like that . . . as most people probably have never seen a polar bear go after a sealion or human.

Actually there used to be an arctic penguin, "penguinosa borealis". Sadly Alaskans ate them all years ago, before the big oil discovery on the North Slope. We rendered their fat for lamp oil and heating oil then we ate the meat. I think the hides were used to make kayaks or something by the natives. There was a super-secret penguin slaughterhouse on a remote Aleutian Island that was quietly decommissioned in the late-1960s. Sorry, Coke. Sorry, Dennis Miller. Sorry, Hannover Zoo. Sorry, Mike Lynch.

Our secret almost got out in the late 1970s, when our distinguished senator tried to earmark federal research funds to find out what happened to all the penguins up here (that and a new domed resort near Mt. McKinley). We didn't want to face up to our part in exterminating a whole subspecies, so we quickly voted him out of office. I just couldn't stand the guilt any longer and had to spill it out. No wonder we are so incapable of managing our resources that we have to rely on the rest of the country to do a better job for us. Sheesh. Even Tennessee Tuxedo had us all believing that penguins hung around with walruses. Here's a recent children's book that perpetuates the Tennessee Tuxedo myth. To be fair, Tennessee and Chumley did live in a zoo. (I wonder if Randy, My Name is Earl's brother, channels Chumley?) Works for me I think.

Thanks Coca Cola for the commercials as they do entertain us on the long dark nights during the holidays. Can you bring the price down just a little? It was great when Coke was a buck a six pack not the sometimes three dollars or more we get frequently up here.

Ice