Having a Bad Day . . . Here’s mine

It’s been busy here and it took me a couple weeks to write this so I could post but the next time you’re having a bad day . . . just think of me.

Having a bad day?  Cheer up it could have been like mine!

So what did I do today? Well . . . I had a once (hopefully) in a lifetime experience today.  Something most people will never have to go through, if they’re lucky!  I went to see a dermatologist for a sore that is not healing. No big deal right?  I’ve had an old ‘war injury’ for over 35 years now and from time to time I get a flare up to the skin as either dryness or other condition irritates things . . . down there.  It’s sore from time to time and I’ve had this round since the end of 2011.  It is no big deal because it’s in an unmentionable location of course it’s only unmentionable by most people’s standards, not mine.  I’ll just say it . . . it’s in my a$$ crack.  I could say butt crack, but a$$ crack is a lot funnier to say and more unholy which is SO me. 

So I get to the doctors office, sign in and sit to wait my turn.  I notice that the waiting room is mostly full of old people . . . older than me so they are approaching ‘ancient age’.  Farting “dust” I tell you and they all look like they are there to have moles checked or removed.  Age must bring bumps to everyone so I’m guessing that I will be a special case and break the monotony of a “typical” day for the lucky doctor I get to see.  I couldn’t have been more right!

Of course the lady at the front desk has to ask the question, “What are we seeing you for today?”  Fortunately, for me and the rest of the people in the lobby, I was able to get by with just saying a sore that won’t heal.  It was almost déjà vu-ish in a way, like I might relive the moment in High School when I went to the nurse in need of ice to deal with a groin injury from playing baseball practice.  The nurse’s office was full of girls as I made my way into her office doubled up and holding my nutz.  But that’s a whole other funny and humiliating story.  Maybe next time.

Let’s get back to my a$$ crack where the nurse takes me back to the exam room and again I’m asked, “What are we seeing you for today?”  I tell her I have a sore that isn’t healing, so she asks the obvious next question, “Where is it?”  Oh I’m so glad you asked . . . I’m thinking to myself and as casually as I can I say . . . it’s in my butt crack.  She is completely professional and proceeds to ask various questions.  Then she tells me the doctor is a little behind (that’s funny, ha! ha!) schedule and it might be a few minutes.  

Oh great I’m thinking and the nurse gives me a couple of those giant one time use sheets.  One for the table and one for me, because of course I have to get half naked so they can get a good look at things.  The doctor finally comes in and she asks several questions to ‘asscess’ the situation before going to get “back up” so she can take a look!  Yep, a female doctor who is an associate of my doctor.  The nurse comes back in to assist and looks like she feels a bit sorry for me and would rather be anywhere else.  She wasn’t the only one and I am usually not one to give a crap in situations such as this!  It was . . . you know . . . you’re run of the mill awkward moment!

While I lay somewhat uncomfortably on my belly, the doctor proceeds to spread my cheeks so she can get that good look.  I was thinking it will all be over soon and I could get dressed, feel normal again and more importantly, leave!  No such luck, she decides she needs to do a biopsy . . . What?  She isn’t sure what kind of infection we could be dealing with, so she’s going to send a chunk of my crack to the lab and have it checked out.  She mentioned Novocain and I thought needle . . . ugh!  How big of a chunk do they want?

I’m left waiting for what felt like forever, lying on the hard table, half naked and freezing sandwiched between the two crispy disposable sheets. Eventually the nurse comes in and gives me the Novocain shot.  This might pinch a little and you might feel a burning sensation, she says.  Oddly enough, it was a lot like going to the dentist, just at my other end!  Thank goodness there wouldn’t be a drill involved!  I could only imagine the view she had.

OK really, I was trying not too!  Every time I could feel the needle poke me, my butt would involuntarily tighten.  I knew that couldn’t be pretty! My brain kept trying to tell the rest of my body and especially my butt . . . Please don’t fart now!  With the nickname “Icewind” and the translation = cool farts it has been something I have always prided myself being able to muster at a moments notice.  But this was a little different and I did not want to let it rip.  Finally it’s over as she stuffs a wad of gauze between my cheeks and tells me it will be a few minutes.  Again I lay there waiting uncomfortably.  She laid out the tools for the procedure and looking at them made me a wee bit uneasy.  There was thread sutures?  I was going to have stitches in my crack?  What?  Still waiting, I could feel my butt numbing up a little.  

I had the weirdest sensation . . . it felt like my butt was trying to swallow the gauze she’d lodged up in there.  It really wasn’t but I could not tell at the moment, much like trying to drink coffee just after a dental appointment when your mouth is numb.  It tastes great but you quickly realize it is all over your face and shirt since your mouth does not seem to work.  The doctor came in again, but wasn’t able to round up a nurse for back up, so while she went to find someone I was left waiting . . . and waiting  . . . and waiting some more.  All the while wondering how involved this was going to get.  I hate going to doctors anyway and my uneasiness now felt justified. 

As I numb up I was becoming a little more than concerned about involuntarily farting while the doctor was snipping and stitching.  You can’t stop what you can’t feel right?  I tried not to think about it and just talked to myself to pass the time!  OK, I wasn’t really talking to myself out loud . . . just normal conversations in your head type of stuff.  Yeah, I know I’m crazy!  Well the blessed moment finally arrived!  It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I didn’t feel any pain plus there were only 2 stitches.  The nurse stuffed some clean gauze in there so I wouldn’t bleed and I was good to go.

Finally I was in my car, music blaring, hauling my stitched up a$$ crack away from that unforgettable 2 hour experience.  Maybe, if the stitches aren’t the kind that will dissolve into oblivion, I’ll put the stitches in my life scrapbook! 

I’ll report back to you the results shortly . . . but they may just come back confirming what I’ve suspected all along . . . that I might just be an a$$hole after all.

Have a nIce Day!