IKEA Weekend Adventure?

This past weekend I had the semi-unpleasant experience to drive from the mountains down toward the collapsed bridge on Interstate 85 at Piedmont Road. I was headed to the IKEA store off I-85 at Fourteenth Street.

I started seeing the warning signs for the Interstate closure about ten miles north of the shut-down exit so I decided to get off in my old stomping grounds of North Druid Hills Road, go by my old high school and see what changes to the area over the last twenty years I was away in Alaska.  Traffic was horrible as everyone was trying to find a way to get around the closed area.  Stopped bumper to bumper vehicles with an exit time of twenty minutes to get off the ramp made me remember why I left Atlanta so many years ago.  I cannot stand the traffic or the totally bent drivers trying to get in front of everyone.

Driving by the school I saw many changes.  The sign our class erected was gone and like many schools across America was run down and looked like it needed a makeover.  The area has changed so much with condo’s replacing the old beautiful houses on that street.  I went to Peachtree Street headed south through Buckhead and it was packed with vehicles too.  Many high rise buildings towered over the landscape, the concrete and steel with beautiful glass shining in the midday sun.  All kinds of new stores and restaurants were seen on my drive down memory lane.  Gone too were a few icon hangouts of mine like Harrison’s on Peachtree, Limelight (some called it “Slimelight”) and Animal Crackers nightclub with its indoor Ferris wheel ride. 

As I made my way toward midtown I drove by my grandmother’s old house.  It was for sale along with three more next to hers being sold as a multi-unit commercial property.  It was old and run down and all the memories from that time mostly gone too as the years fade from my memory.

I arrive at the IKEA store and find myself in a huge underground parking area with signs everywhere on how to find your car when finished shopping.  It was my first experience inside this store and it was just that, an experience.  Two floors of merchandise and a winding lay out so you walk in curving patterns through the different departments.  Household goods, kitchen, bath, living room, bedroom along with sections for all kinds of accessories were on hand as I wandered around looking for items for a remodel project I am working on.  

After two and a half hours going through all the sections I was ready to check out which gave me the impression that everyone was being herded like cattle through the checkout area.  I knew I would have more traffic and a long ride back so I looked around for a restroom.  I found one and headed over to relieve myself and found myself with a slight dilemma as I walked into the men’s room.  For many years observing people I have noticed a few things.  Some might say I either have too much time on my hands (mind) or just have a slightly twisted look at life.  I tend to think it is a waste to not think of the possibilities out there and to consider things that most other people may not have time to think about.  It is then my duty to report my findings to everyone here. 

Most people (women) and a few men, especially those who don’t use a urinal, fail to realize the complexity of today’s modern bathroom ethics.  Urination in public restrooms always creates a paranoia in most people (women included) involving a lack of privacy.  This fear is eased for most men by finding of a urinal which is the farthest away from fellow “users.”  Unlike the concept of infinity, this theory is fairly easy to grasp.  It’s a man thing I guess for me probably started in the military latrines with no partitions between toilets and urinals.  Everything was in the open with rows of toilets facing each other so it was ‘easy’ to converse with your fellow soldier while going to the bathroom.  I usually tried to wait until after lights out to go but then the night sentry on duty would normally wander in so you were never alone to do your business.

The 1-3-5 urinal rule allows for the separation of users or should I call them pee’ees.  Let’s take a look at the basic bathroom layout of 5 urinals (such as in this IKEA) and see an example.  The first person would clearly go to the first (1) or last (5 – preferable to 1 because of greater distance from door and other people) to prepare himself for the expected arrival of the second pee’ee.  The second person would then of course take the vacant end spot that the first did not take.  Simple enough isn’t it?  This is where the 1-3-5 rule now comes into effect.  Let’s say you walk into the bathroom and there are two dudes letting the gold flow like the summer of 1949, one on each end of the old 5-headed mount Rushmore.  It is imperative that you, as the third member of the urinary persuasion, take the middle urinal.  While you will be increasing the distance between you and one of the others, you will be drastically decreasing the distance to the other, to a point at which both of you are extremely uncomfortable.

Some of you may already be thinking questions.  First off, what happens when one of the users disobeys this sacred law and is taking his dog for a walk in the 4 slot, and there is already a pee’er in the 1 spot?  Unless it’s an emergency, and we’re talking stalls taken and possibly if you need the ‘stall’, you would just wait out the infraction.  It will make everyone a lot happier in the end with no odd looks involved by anyone.

Next, what happens in a situation in which there are 6 urinals but 2 are taped off or closed up.  Just think of this rule of thumb.  Never allow there to be a pee’er to be immediately to the left or right of you if possible.  Always give yourself some space.  And unless they’re totally asleep at the switch, don’t have anyone right in front of you.  Under no circumstances should you have anyone behind you if possible but sports venues with everyone trying to go during the seventh inning stretch you may have to waive the rule.

One final question usually is what happens when you have an emergency and the 1-3-5 setup is occupied already.  Under no circumstances should you invade into the 2 or 4 space.  Wait it out as long as possible, not only does it make everyone uneasy, it will leave a lasting mark on everyone there.  One of the three original users will undoubtedly mention your infraction to anyone who will listen, and it will be spread around the office or school that you’re lame and cannot follow the rules of restroom etiquette.  Even if you have to uncork the champagne all over your trousers, it would probably be better to do so.  You might suffer a small embarrassment, but in the long run, will make for a great story for the office and get you, infinite props for upholding the sacred 1-3-5 rule.

Side note:  It should be noted that attending baseball or hockey games, the rules are a bit more lenient because you don’t want to miss a great play or a fight.  Lame people usually don’t go to hockey games or any real sporting events; it is safe to relax just a little and let it flow.  Placido Flamingo was nowhere to be found during this brief adventure.

Ice

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