Tinnitus – Not the sounds of silence

Tinnitus – Not the sounds of silence

Tinnitus has been a very noisy part of my life for over forty years – ever since the day I first noticed the slight ringing in my ears.  At first you try not to notice the sounds within your head but over time and depending on the day it may rage out of control.  It didn’t happen in a split second but I think over time.  In the Army it was the whining sound of my helicopter’s transmission above my head.  You learn to fly in the right seat affecting the hearing in your left ear then as aircraft commander you fly from the left seat destroying your right ear’s hearing.  We wore helmets but it did not do an adequate job of total hearing protection from the surrounding noises.  I could still hear bullets hitting the skin of my aircraft or the screams from crewmembers or others wounded inside on the way back to the LZ.  When I first noticed the sounds within my head . . . I felt alone, very scared.  

How could I explain to anyone what was raging inside my head?  I knew they couldn’t relate (how could they?) to the sound of a whistling teakettle sometimes, or a jet engine at other times.  There were days when it was faint; other days when it roared with a vengeance.  When I was younger in the shower I thought it was gone.  But then once the shower was done, the sound dominated again.  After the Army it remained with me and I discovered there was a name for this affliction called “Tinnitus”.  With my Southern pronunciation was “Ti-nnit-us” but recently I saw a story and learned the correct way to say it, “Tin-ni-tus”.  

Where I am living now I do not get live television but get recorded streaming news off the internet and during the recent Las Vegas shootings I was searching for news of what happened and came across a story on what I’ve had all these years.

I used to think my experience was unique, but I was wrong.  I came to realize that lots of people live with tinnitus every day, and that there are many ways to cope with it – and for some cope with it well.  The harsh reality of tinnitus has robbed silence from the lives of nearly 50 million Americans.  Whether you hear it in your ears or in your head tinnitus means the same thing: noise that does not go away.  You do not suffer alone.

The first two physicians I saw knew nothing about tinnitus and said nothing could be done about it.  Their only advice was, “Just don’t listen to it.”  When people think of hearing loss and partial deafness, they immediately think about a quiet world that they will be forced to live in.  In some cases, that cannot be further from the truth.  The loss of hearing does not equal a quiet day of fishing during our retirement years.  It can be a screaming inside our heads that never stops.

Early on I’m sure it caused me problems in relationships, I didn’t sleep.  I could not shut out the white noise in my head so sleeping was low on my priority list averaging about an hour or two a night in my twenties and thirties.  Every ten years it seems like I increased an hour now getting six to seven hours some nights.  My body seemed to function well on about four hours for many years.  For me, the key was letting tinnitus become a part of my life.  Many people have depression, eating issues, or other ailments caused by the constant sounds.

Since the onset, my tinnitus has varied a lot in tone and perceived volume.  I always have a high-pitched hiss, although it’s worse some days.  I also periodically get a low-pitched buzz accompanied by fullness ringing in my ear.  There are hours when it suddenly turns into a screaming siren, making it almost impossible to hear anything through my good ear, let alone the bad one.  The sound can be so loud in my head that it’s almost physically painful.  On days like that, I keep busy and tell myself that better days will come.  I remind myself about the people who love me and the people whom I love.  I can’t quit.  I won’t quit.  I’m not going to let my tinnitus defeat me.  Living with tinnitus is not easy.  You have to be a fighter.  Eventually a better period comes again, and my quality of life increases by so much that it’s hard to believe.  But it does improve.  I’ve been there several times.  There has always been a light at the end of this tunnel.  I don’t always see it, but its there, like the sun shining above the clouds.  

To feel better, I have learned to focus on what makes me feel good.  I sure wish I didn’t have tinnitus.  But now that I know what it is, I try to make the best of the situation.  By reminding me about what is important in life, the meaning of life becomes clearer.  My interest in helping others is bigger than ever.  And, for me, family comes before material things.  What helps me make it through rough days is thinking about the people who care about me and whom I hold dear.  Besides nurturing relationships, my advice to others with tinnitus is to nurture your hobbies.  Do you like writing?  Write.  Do you enjoy taking photos?  Take photos.  Do you like bowling?  Bowl.  Do you like making crafts?  Make crafts.  You get the idea. The better you feel in general, the higher the quality of life you will have despite tinnitus.  This is the time to pick up an old passion that has been pushed aside for too long.  Some days with tinnitus can be a struggle.  Try to make it less hard by emphasizing the good things in life.

I tell myself that it’s only as loud as I perceive it to be.  Changing the way I think about it is not always easy to do, but it can work.  When I hear the noise, I say, “Okay, it’s here,” but then move on and listen for other sounds in the environment that are special to me, such as music.  When I concentrate on music, almost any kind, the tinnitus is pushed to the background.  When riding in an airplane or car, which I find relaxing, I listen to CDs, the radio, my playlist and other cars passing by.  All of those sounds help cover (mask) my tinnitus.  Lately there are special sounds – the chirping of birds or crickets – that helps me.  I love to sit outside or have the windows open in the summertime and let the bird sounds in the morning or the crickets in the evening drown out the noise inside his head.

When I had my dog Levi I discovered that when Levi crawled next to my bed, fell asleep, and began to snore, his snoring was more welcome than the tinnitus.  Levi became my masking device!  It’s important that I continue to do what I enjoy: going to the movies, concerts, and having dinner with friends.  Many times during those outings it is hard for me to hear normal conversations since the white noise in my head along with the constant chatter noise in a restaurant or bar drown out anything I can hear so usually I just nod or try to watch what someone is saying to maintain part of the conversation.  Working with tools and machinery I make sure I use my earplugs for protection.  For many years, I blamed myself for this injury.  I used to think that if I had been more informed, more cautious, more observant, things would have turned out differently.  But I know there is no blame.  It just happened.  I’ve forgiven myself, and I’ve moved on.

I’ve learned to listen – really listen – to all the sounds that are out there.  I appreciate more sounds now, like that of falling rain on the tin roof where I live, of ocean waves crashing onto shore, of my shower, and I long for my snoring dog Levi (sure do miss him).  All of these sounds help me know that tinnitus is just one sound.  As annoying as it can be, it is only one sound maybe two.  Maybe one day you’ll discover your special sound.  Maybe it’s the sound of crickets on a summer’s evening.  Maybe that’ll be the best sound you’ve ever heard.  I know I feel that way sometimes.

Like most things in my life it always goes back to music to fill the void and noise between my ears.  Music it like that, it takes away the pain and sends me to places I remember.

"Music makes pictures and often tells stories
All of it magic and all of it true
and all of the pictures and all of the stories
All of the magic, the music is you".

Ice