Dear Icewind . . .

Returning from a fishing trip a while back we drove behind a vehicle for almost an hour with her (ok to be fair), her/his left turn signal on without making a turn. It drove me nuts as I’m sure you have noticed all of the drivers riding around with their left turn signal on?

They will ride for miles and never even change lanes let alone turn. I remember my cruise out of south Florida two years ago and it seemed like everyone in the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale area was turning left. Everyone had a blinker on but seemed unable to commit to anything. Maybe they were trying to turn around to head north towards Atlanta, my old stompin’ grounds. During that time I was thinking about all of the junk emails and spam I tend to get in my inboxes.

Today I thought I would answer some letters from recent e-mails and letters from confused readers about varied topics. (I’ll use Florida as the addresses since I had been thinking about the Miami drivers)

Dear Icewind,

I keep getting letters from people in Nigeria asking for assistance in moving money out of their country. Is this for real? Also, they all say that they had heard I was an honorable and trustworthy person. How did they know that?
B. E. Moron, Miami, Florida

Dear Moron,

Yes. This is true. Money grows on trees in Nigeria, but it is hard to get it out of the country. Therefore, Nigerians try to find intelligent, honorable, and trustworthy people. Many of these people can be found in Miami-Dade and Broward Counties. I notice you live in Miami. So, you must be honest, intelligent and trustworthy. You need to be very careful dealing with these people. Many say that they will give you large sums of money just to use your bank account to move their money. They will not give you as much as they say they will. I have had experiences with these people and I can help you out. The next time you receive a request from one of these people, forward the request to me, with your bank account number, and I will handle all the negotiations and transfers. I will make sure you get what's coming to you.

Ice

Dear Icewind,

I got two virus warnings yesterday from other people on the net. One said to look out for an email with an attachment titled 'I am a virus'. The other said to watch out for an email with an attachment titled 'I am not a virus'. Both said not to open the attachments and delete the email immediately. They both said to send these warnings to everyone in my address book. Do these two viruses exist?
Ima Idiot, Broward, Florida

Ice

Dear Idiot,

You just got hit with two cases of the stupid (also known as the lazy) virus. The stupid virus is created by someone who knows how to use email, but is not able to or is too lazy to write actual computer code. What he does is get computer users to do the work for him. The whole point of the stupid virus is to generate as much useless internet traffic as possible. By telling you to send this note to everyone in your address list he is having you manually perform what a decent virus would do automatically. Here is a hint. Any virus warning that you receive from anyone that tells you to send the warning to everyone you know is normally an instance of the stupid virus.

Ice

Dear Icewind,

I get many emails that say I can get rich working from home on my computer. Are these offers for real?
I. M. Clueless, Palm Beach Florida

Dear Clueless,

Most of these offers are not for real. Normally they just try to get you to send them money and, in return, they will send you a list of people to contact to try and get work from home jobs. I, on the other hand, can send you the real secrets of how to make money working from home. Simply send a check for $100 to me and I will share my secrets with you.

Ice

Dear Icewind,

I keep getting internet chain letters that say if I send money to the previous person in the chain and forward the chain letter to five of my friends, I will receive lots of money soon. Does this work?
M. I. Stupid, Miami Beach Florida

Dear Stupid,

None of these things are for real. The only way you will receive lots of money over the internet is by sending your money to me. I will invest in Nigerian money trees and we will both become very rich.

Ice

Dear Icewind,

I voted for Al Gore and Pat Buchanan in the 2000 election. How come Bush won?
I. R. Dumb, Somewhere in south Florida

Dear Dumb,

Bush won? I didn't know that. Who told you that? Are you sure? Maybe we should do sumpin' about that. Send me some money and I'll look into it.

Ice

So there you have it. I exist to serve. And to the rest of you confused people in Miami-Dade and Broward Counties, keep sending questions to me and I'll answer them as I get time.


Oh yes. Turn off the darned left turn signal!

Ice

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