Caught my eye, Do you see it?

As many of you know I try to write to my blog, Icewind’s Ramblings most everyday unless I am out of town or have real life things to keep me from looking at life in that demented way that I do. Can you see where this is going?

I was checking my 'bulk' folder this evening on one of my email accounts -- making sure none of your treasured comments happened to get routed to the slush pile -- when a message header caught my eye:

“You dream of rivers of sperm, of a penis enormous and firm.”

Now, first of all, let me assure you that I don't. I cannot recall ever entertaining that idea or mental picture. Dream of 'rivers of sperm', that is. Not to the best of my knowledge, anyway. I might dream of falling, or running away from monsters (usually my inner demons), or -- once, rather unfortunately -- eating a giant marshmallow during a camping trip. But swiftly-flowing streams of semen? No. It's possible now I'll have that nightmare about it. Now that I'm aware someone else has dreamed it up, but up to this point, it's not been an issue.

And to be honest; what about the 'penis enormous and firm' statement? I haven't been spending time in the basement, working out blueprints for that one, either. If anything, in my youth I probably devoted effort to finagling my penis into situations I thought it might enjoy. I always tried to be a good penis parent that way. But any other penis -- particularly one that's 'enormous and firm' -- is on its own. As a matter of fact, get that thing away from me. And don't stand behind me; I don't trust that thing. You Perv!

At the same time, though, I'm a sucker for a good poem, so I opened the email.

Here's what I found inside:

“You look for a perfect erection, for safety and pure protection.”

First of all, kudos on the rhyme; that's what I came in for, and you didn't disappoint on that point. I give it a Check plus-plus for that.

But this is just a blatant lie. An erection may be many things -- stimulating, arousing, frightening, amusing, purple, illegal -- but it is never 'safe'. Just ask anyone from the 70’s who survived the “Free Love Generation”. Most of those people’s kids are now playing the computer games we enjoy so much. Nor can it 'protect' you. Well maybe if you’re camping and need a “tent pole” overnight during a rain storm.

Two things come to my mind when I hear or see an erectile dysfunction commercial. One is the side effect of it lasting “for hours and may cause discomfort”. My first reaction to that is “alert the media” as it would probably be news worthy or the second possibility of finding my wife and several neighbors so as not to “waste” the occasion. I would probably be knocking on about anyone's door who I thought might be interested (and I’m sure no one would be) to show them “something I’m really proud of”.

I had a friend in Atlanta who was only about 30 years old when Viagra first hit the market and decided he would take it “to see what would happen”. His results may not have been ‘normal’ but after taking the pill and the resulting pleasure for several hours, it never went down. His little soldier stood tall and ready for battle over 14 hours and the pain and discomfort for him was almost unbearable. His girlfriend, the mean person she was, enjoyed his embarrassment when taking him to the hospital to take care of the problem. She was a trooper though and tried, and tried, and tried to help with the situation before finally seeking more qualified medical help. “Protection?” No, I don’t think so. And the condom issue is not what I think they meant with that statement. I suppose that's where 'enormous and firm' would come in quite handy. So to speak but nothing is left to the imagination.

Reading further:

“You want just to win, not to lose - so Viagra is what you choose.”

Ah, we're finally to the point of selling the product now. Nice. I liked that - start with the rhyming, hook in those starry-eyed, semen-river dreamers, then hit 'em with the sales pitch.

Subtle but the message is clear -- if you want to win the 'Mr. Perfect Erection' competition, this would be the way to go. Just watch out for the Russian judges; you'll never get a '10' out of them. Unless she gets one out of you first.

So how does our delightful poem wrap up?

“Your dick resembles ugly sponge? Our Viagra will make it large.”

Oh, now brother. You were doing so well, too -- I was even hoping for a killer snippet of verse to wrap it all together. But no!!!!

Now, your true spammer colors finally bleed through. Forget that I never, ever want to think of anything in my nether regions as a sponge -- 'ugly', 'fetching', 'photogenic', or otherwise -- I'm more disappointed that you tried to rhyme it using the word 'large'.

Particularly when there's so much you could have done with 'plunge'. Or 'lunge'. Or even 'grunge', if you'd just tried a little harder and put a little effort into it. Tsk, silly spammer. Tsk, I say. You lost me there.

Still, I take this as a positive sign. I'm still going to delete the reeking nonsense these spammers shovel into my inbox. But, if I can occasionally be entertained, even for just that quick moment, before sending their crap to email hell, sure, I'll have a look.

I'm not buying any of their crap -- or downloading any 'Viagra attachments' or 'river of sperm' links. But if the spammers are finally getting clever with their ad copy, then that's an extra chuckle or two in my day.

And really, isn't that why we're here?

Now to finish deleting the other 193 junk emails in my bulk folder so I can get back to playing Diablo for the next 5 hours. Oh sure you are saying that’s a huge waste of time. But like I said, isn’t that why we’re here?

Ice