What do they think we are? Morons?

Moments ago I listened to a television commercial pitching a skin cream to "those who are passionate about the health of their skin." The pitch man confidently stated that the product contained "shea and cocoa butter," as if everyone from Attu to Elmo understood full well that these are clearly the finest things on earth to smear into one's skin on a twice-daily basis. Admittedly, "shea" and "cocoa butter" certainly sound like things that are probably good for the skin but I base this conclusion on ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, as do we all. Constantly.

In fact, I had never even heard of cocoa butter (neither have most of you probably) until recently with all of the pitches on television for “body butter” and I didn't even know the word "shea" existed outside of Shea Stadium. But the advertisement works because these clever folks know full well that senseless, smooth-sounding "buzz words" easily move the docile buying public to action. That and sticking something at eye level on the store shelves within easy reach.

Now my wife goes through many different brands of shampoo in our shower and they change constantly. About the time I get used to the smell or texture of one I find something else has been replaced. The shampoo I use right now (Pantene) declares on its label, "contains Hidratacion Diaria." Now those wiser than I may question the logic in buying any cleansing product containing the word "Diaria," but to those meddlers I would reply, "Well, I just saw this on the label for the first time over the holidays so get off my back!" Sorry, I drank too much Coca Cola during my life.

So what do you think pops into my mind every single time I see it? I clearly hear the voice of Beavis & Butthead saying "Huh huh uhh hu huh Diarrhea" whenever they see Daria. You would think a 50+ year old man would have better things to do with his time than sitting around reminiscing and giggling over the awesome stupidity that is Beavis & Butthead, but NOPE, not me . . . the cornier, cheesier, and sillier the better in my mind.

Again, this shampoo advertises that it contains "Hidratacion" as if this word is found in normal, everyday conversation. As if EVERYONE knows what Hidratacion is and is secure in the knowledge that it will safely cleanse one's hair. But let's be honest here. For all we know, Hidratacion could be just another name for . . . well . . . diarrhea! The best translation I can come up with from my lack of attention in my high school Spanish class is ‘daily moisture renewal’ as that makes sense to me anyway. One thing you have to remember is this is Alaska and people make many things with Moose poop so it may not be to far a stretch for us to put diarrhea remnants in our hair.

My toothpaste tube reads "multi-action" (that's gotta' be good, right?), my wife’s hair gel contains "Humectress!" (really super stuff, I bet!), and my laundry detergent now comes with "NexXxel Finishing" (whatever that is . . . that's certainly a long-overdue addition, I suspect).

In conclusion, hats off to the advertisers for not only long ago perfecting the skill to bullshit us into buying virtually anything but now doing it by using "buzz words" that aren't even words! And we do not question these mysterious, exotic "words" because . . . well, they sound "lyrical" and must be impressive if they appear on a bottle! Oh, how they must laugh in their offices on Madison Avenue as they blissfully smoke their opium pipes, enjoy Def Leppard cassettes, and order Thai food from ‘Momma San's’ take out and pull tab establishment.

We have all become obedient consumers and our power to truly choose disappeared long ago. Darwin would have loved this . . .

We’re getting more daylight now and Barrow saw the sun rise Wednesday for the first time since mid November so the goofiness of our idle time is hopefully starting to change track.

Well maybe not . . . what fun would that be?

Ice