Restless Leg Syndrome Rant

This wasn’t meant to get into another rant about advertising . . . but . . . come on . . . this is such BS I cannot help but comment on this.

You've probably seen the television ads because I am sure that the ‘small market’ that is Alaska (600,000+ people) cannot be the only place where these things are showing on television every fifteen minutes. The makers of Requip claim it treats sufferers of a condition known as . . . get this . . . Restless Legs Syndrome. I kid you not. There is actually a disease in the medical community called Restless Legs Syndrome (or for those of you with Lazy Tongue Disorder, RLS).

I am now totally convinced that the pharmaceutical companies are INVENTING DISEASES just to sell us drugs. In fact, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they actually came up with the drugs first, and then thought up diseases to go along with them. I'll bet you a week's pay that Requip was originally supposed to be another male enhancement drug gone astray.

I won’t go into the details here because you probably don't want to hear about my "Restless Middle Leg Syndrome" or "RMLS" for you ladies out there. Apparently there is only temporary relief for this condition which is to sheath it in a moist, warm (and preferably tight) place. Men are afflicted with this sometimes chronically painful* (* there have been rumors it causes lots of swelling) condition and seek a momentary respite from this . . . Ok . . . sorry I got off . . . on a tangent. Back on topic . . .

I guess the male enhancement part didn't work out, but during testing patients complained that they became paralyzed from the waist down but had uncontrollable leg twitches, what Seinfeld’s friend Kramer referred to in a episode as “the jimmy leg” referring to Kramer’s girlfriend Emily’s leg actions after being intimate. Six months later, GlaxoSmithKlinePfizilever makes a sizable, tax-deductible donation to launch the "RLS Foundation." And six months after that, Requip commercials probably started hitting the airwaves.

I know it sounds like complete bullshoot. But let's suspend our disbelief for a moment and educate ourselves, shall we? Lucky for us, the fine folks at the RLS Foundation (yes, they have a FOUNDATION) have their own web site, which I swear to you is for real.

According to their web site, here are the telltale symptoms of Restless Legs Syndrome:

• You have a strong urge to move your legs which you may not be able to resist.
• Your RLS symptoms start or become worse when you are resting.
• Your RLS symptoms get better when you move your legs.
• Your RLS symptoms are worse in the evening, especially when you are lying down.

I'd like to call special attention to bullet number three: Your RLS symptoms get better when you “MOVE YOUR LEGS”.

Okay, let me get this straight. So you have restless legs . . . then you MOVE THEM . . . and then your legs ARE NOT RESTLESS ANYMORE?? Well so much for suspending disbelief. This is indeed COMPLETE BULLSHOOT.

I can see it now being played out in the doctor’s office . . .

Patient: Doctor, doctor! Please help me! When I lay on the couch for extended periods of time, my legs become restless!!

Doctor: Have you tried . . . I don't know but I’m going to throw this out there . . . GETTING OFF YOUR LAZY ASS and MOVING THEM AROUND!

Patient: Yeah, and that helps a lot but it's too much trouble. If only there was a pill I could take . . .

Doctor: Say no more. Now there is!

Patient: Oh, thank you doctor! And thank YOU, Requip!!!

Again, this is complete and total Bullshoot or for my Alaskan suffering friends . . . Mooseshoot.

But fear not, RLS suffers! You no longer have to suffer from your made-up disease in silence. According to the RLS web site, there are over 100 RLS support groups in the U.S. and Canada!

Can you imagine what THOSE meetings must be like??

The picture in my head is a bunch of people sitting in metal folding chairs arranged in a semicircle talking to each other. Now picture some of those idiots, I mean sufferers sitting there on metal folding chairs . . . and their legs are twitching like mad! I envision Steve Martin in the movie “The Jerk” with his “Happy Feet” going spastically all over the place. Honestly, I am tempted to sign up myself just so I can witness it. I'll wear my pair of steel-toed boots and walk around the room kicking people in the groin saying "Oops, sorry about that! The ole Restless Legs Syndrome is acting up tonight, that or an old war injury!"

Oh, and did I mention this? Requip isn't just for adults. Kids can take it too! Just make sure it doesn't interact with their Ritalin!! Kids do not have enough problems just being kids now we need to feed their anxieties with made up ‘problems’.

But beware pill heads - there are side effects. According to the Requip web site, the most commonly reported are: Nausea, Drowsiness, Vomiting, and Dizziness. This one gets me . . . “Some patients taking ropinirole have shown urges to behave in a way unusual for them. Examples of this are an unusual urge to gamble or increased sexual urges and/or behaviors. If you or your family notices that you are developing any unusual behaviors, talk to your doctor”.

Well I don't know about you, but I think I'll just stick with my RESTLESS LEGS! If treated, my irritable legs might affect my restless bowels . . . or possibly something worse so I do not want anything like that happening.

That's it; I'm inventing my own disease and I'm calling it “Hot Poker in the Eye Syndrome”. It's for people who have hot pokers in their Eyes, but who are too lazy to go to the trouble of removing them.

There is a drug already on the market that ‘cures’ most ailments. It's called Tylenol . . . and you'll need a crap load of it to deal with all the BS advertising out there we have to deal with.

I guess it’s time to work off that “RMLS” that I feel coming on . . . I hope I’m not to dizzy, drowsy, nauseated, or otherwise ‘side effected’ to work out the kinks before I fall asleep.

Don’t fall for this advertising ploy.

Ice