Men & Women . . . Wired differently in so many ways

I was talking with my boss the other day as he was just returning from the hospital where his father in law (FIL) was being treated for breathing problems. Over the weekend while he was staying with him they started to watch television where a football game was on.

For about thirty minutes they sat there, mostly quiet . . . commenting only about this play or that, maybe how hard a hit one had given . . . not needing to really say anything to each other. Both were content to just be there.

His sister in law stopped by and over the next two hours was constantly talking . . . or as they said . . . yapping nonstop . . . about anything. They hoped she would just watch the game but she asked questions on what was happening during the game and on so many other subjects not related to anything that was going on with his ‘FIL’, his hospital stay, family matters, or as they said anything important.

I remember reading some of the book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” but for the life of me all I can remember coming away with was whatever we (men) say or do from the woman’s point of view it will be wrong.

We look at things differently, problem solve differently, and handle tasks differently. Women will handle a task list usually from first to last until completed. (Maybe it was already prioritized as they wrote it down) Men will make a list and with a ‘shotgun’ approach complete task in no particular order. We may be taking the trash to the garage cans, put the bag in and notice something that was on a ‘honey do’ list and work on that for a time. It then goes on to something else possibly on our ‘list’ or something we may see that needs to be done. Is it A.D.D. or just the randomness on how we (men) look at things? I think men have a tendency to multi-task somewhat better than women working on multiple tasks of varying importance completing things here and there. Women seem to work on items completing this and that moving on to the next item. We probably arrive with the completed list but approach things from totally different perspectives.

I do not think men in general analyze things in as great a detail as women. We tend to look at something, quickly analyze for possible solutions and then go into action to solve the problem or task. I think women over analyze things sometimes and work through things much differently than men.

I saw this as an example which I think illustrates those differences.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, and more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have the transmission looked at again. I don't care what those morons say; it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's only 50 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, those low life’s.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this'' she says her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have. . . Oh, I feel so . . . ''

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger?

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

'What way?'' says Roger.

"That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm did Elaine ever own a horse?''

All I have figured out over the years is that we are equal but different and I still have no real clue . . . only that I will probably get it wrong.

Ice