High Definition & Andy Rooney . . . facial hair

I was flipping through the channels on the television and explaining about the remote to my wife on the differences between the regular TV signal and the HD box? After a year watching she has finally discovered High Definition television and the many programs available. All it takes is going through the channels or searching the guide to the HD section to see what is playing at any giving time. Doesn't she know that there are kids out there who don't have HD and suffer with the normal digital cable, or . . . gulp . . . regular cable, never to see the depths of Andy Rooney's ear hair and luscious eyebrows, or every detail of Survivor contestants pubic regions (thankfully blurred out the majority of the time . . . hey CBS, thanks for offering Survivor in HD this year! All we need now is another box that has smell-o-vision and it's just like being there).

For the record, I'm fully aware that HD hasn't been legislated as mandatory (yet) and we don't watch 60 minutes in this house most of the time but I always imagined that watching Andy Rooney in HD would involve a lot of staring at his eyebrows as they try to reach around and jump in his ears. Not that I spend a lot of time trying to imagine Andy Rooney and his eyebrow / ear hair combination. I'm not sure what's worse though: those wild eyebrows or the fact that they have split-ends.

Recently (ok I lied . . . over the past year), I have noticed an increased amount of ear hair growing in my ears. I was brushing my teeth this morning and noticed hair growing out of my ears again. What’s up with that!?! And why didn’t anyone have the courtesy to tell me about it?

Granted, I’m getting older now with almost 60 prime years under my ever-expanding belt . . . but ear hair! Come on. I still think of myself as being relatively young, fit and reasonably attractive. That nice Irish inbreeding from my Southern roots, maybe I’m not the guy I was in my 20s, but ear hair! It wasn’t just one little hair either. They were protruding out of the ear canals, and I even had a couple sprouting from the lobes.

I guess its official . . . I’m old. When my AARP card came in the mail a few years ago I didn’t feel old.

Why is the human ear designed to grow more hair with age? Are we more susceptible to random bugs flying into our ears as we get older? Is there a higher probability that unwanted things enter your ear as you get older? As far as I know, only toddlers stick things in their ears that aren’t supposed to be there. Maybe I am in the minority of people that doesn’t have problems with things entering their ear. Honestly, I think that this is a practical joke that the body plays on you for no other reason than to frustrate you and get people to laugh at you. Find me the tweezers. What the hell is up with that?

So I guess I am going to have to go down to one of Alaska’s new Walgreen’s and buy an ear hair trimmer. And to think that I was one of the people that always thought those things were ridiculous inventions. I guess I was wrong. At least it doubles as a nose hair trimmer as well. Wait a minute . . . I can’t put something in my ear that has been up my nose. I guess I need two.

Now, about that nose . . .

I might as well stay on the hair theme. Now, we all knew nose hair was part of the game, ever since we were taught in school how valuable it is as a filtration system for the body. But who knew nose hair would become so annoying that you would actually spend several minutes of your life standing in front of a mirror with a pair of tweezers in one hand, a tissue in the other, plucking out strand after strand of obtrusive nostril fur hoping no one is trying to get in the bathroom. Lord, help us when you forget to trim those suckers. Inevitably, one of the wooly boogers will begin to tickle the edge of your nose, causing you to scratch at it repeatedly like a dog with OCD, until you finally run screaming to the nearest restroom to uproot the sucker and find some sense of relief.

Secondly, does anyone ever think of people like George Clooney or Brad Pitt doing this themselves? The only things more awkward than pulling your own nose hair would be having someone else pull it for you. Talk about intimacy issues . . .

Who knew ear hair grew up towards the light? This can be an unruly problem in Alaska during the winter months with our diminished light. I can see it now where everyone has unruly hair growing in all directions, much like our friend Andy Rooney.

Ice