I Guess I’m still a Southerner at Heart

I grew up most of my life living in the South and moved north from Atlanta in 1995. One of those Southern traits and traditions dear to my heart was while eating one meal the people sitting around the table would start discussing the next meal. I think it helped the food digest since it was always that way from the time I was a little boy.


Food is so much a part of being Southern. It has driven men in wars, in love, and in making you feel cooler than the actual outside temperature. That is one reason why iced tea and mint juleps are so popular. Every Southern man loves homemade biscuits and red-eye gravy, grits drowning in butter, and a huge slab of bacon with dark hash browns . . . the Waffle House way, scattered, smothered, and covered.


For those unfamiliar with Waffle House terminology, “scattered” means spread out on the flat griddle and cooked on both sides, instead of cooked in a ring and similar to a cake. Light refers to the degree of doneness, meaning not too browned, but I love mine ‘dark’. “Smothered” adds chopped onions to the potatoes while “covered” means adding a slice of cheese over the top. Some people get more bangs for their buck with additional items like having it “peppered” which adds sliced jalapenos, and “topped” means covered with chili. You can also get them “diced”, which means with chopped tomato; or “chunked” adding diced ham on top.


I do miss Waffle House here in Alaska; the closest place with a similar type menu is Gwennie’s Old Alaska Restaurant but they do not cook hash browns or grits.


I, like many people love to eat and it drives me nuts that there are companies out there trying to make us crazy with some off the wall version of food that we love. A couple examples that drive me insane are the ‘fake foods’ version of things we have loved for years.


Everyone loves a hot dog, all beef with all of those ‘unknown’ ingredients we have loved over the years. Why ruin it making a “turkey dog”? What’s up with that mess as Nathan’s Famous would fall off the boardwalk if someone came up and asked for a gobble dog.


I recently saw something that turned my stomach and I cannot imagine someone actually eating this. Turkey Bacon.


I guess people might try eating turkey bacon while on Weight Watchers or some other brain washing weight loss program. Spouting things like ‘fewer calories’ or ‘similar taste’! Fake yourself into thinking it is REAL bacon and think that you’re giving yourself a treat! It’s Fake! Yeah. Anyone who has EVER tried turkey bacon will assure you that it is NOTHING like regular, good old, slightly fattier, slightly higher in calorie pork bacon.


I bet it doesn’t cook the same either. I mean come on; nothing says “This is NOT bacon” better than the fact that turkey bacon will never get that wonderful crisp bacon snap when you cook it. It always remains the same too-bright pinkish strip of slurried meat by-product. Belch! And for the record, you aren’t fooling your body into thinking that desiccated piece of reconstituted turkey pressed into a bacon shape is actual bacon either. Your body knows. If you’ve eaten this crap stop lying to yourself and admit it.


That ISN’T bacon. It never will BE bacon.


So if you ARE only eating those things in the vain hope that somehow your body will one day love them as much as the original; join me in the D.A.R.E to Eat Real Foods challenge; whereby you acknowledge exactly what it is you’re eating for what it actually is, and not for what it is supposedly replacing. Join in the fun chant and just say “Fake Foods: No Thanks!”


I remember back when the whole “turkey as everything” craze started. It was horrid: turkey bologna, turkey bacon, turkey salami, turkey pastrami, turkey CHICKEN (yes, really). For someone like me, who likes turkey for what it is, turkey it has been pure, unadulterated, non-fake turkey hell watching people try to eat those ‘meats’.


Over the weekend at the grocery store, I was very surprised at how much more expensive “fake food” is than real food. Egg Beaters are way pricier than organic, free range eggs. A box of Splenda or Equal feels like they are full of air, and yet they charge out the waazoo for it.


So remember, for those of us who love to eat but stay in shape . . .


Round is a shape!


Ice

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