“Appliances” – The Rant about Technology

Is it just me?

When did Microwaves become so needy?

It’s been cold here lately (Alaska, Winter . . . who’d thunk it?) and at times you make enough food so you can just have a second meal of leftovers with no hassle or time involved. Or it used to be that way but with all of the technology it is becoming more complicated than ever.

Apparently you can't just press a button anymore & have your food heated. When I put a bowl of spaghetti into the microwave, it asked me the time. OK . . . I put that in. Now it asks for the day. Alright, I don't want to have a conversation or small talk with the thing, I just want a bowl of spaghetti heated up.

Remember the good old days when you could put something in a microwave, hit one maybe two buttons and in a minute you would have something hot?

Not anymore. All appliances lately seem to need a relationship with you before they do your bidding.

Why isn't anything simple anymore?

That sounds so much like an old man it scares me a bit to type it out.

Seriously, why can't I just stick a bowl in the microwave for 30 seconds?

How many buttons should I have to press for that? Why do I get a passive aggressive kitchen tool that keeps asking me to input the proper time before it can heat? Why does it then need to know what type of food it is?

Stupid microwave! Just shut up and heat the leftovers so I can sit in peace and enjoy them!

I end up pressing “vegetables” out of the choices it gives me. I can't get it to cook anything until I do. Ah Ha! It was spaghetti you just heated Microwave. Not veggies like I told you.

It reminds me of when we lived in Georgia and I finally realized that technology was taking over. When I would lie down to sleep, I had trouble sleeping because of a ‘click’ sound that happened every 30 seconds or so. I would sit up in bed trying to locate the source of the clicking sound.

Nothing.

I would lie back down and try to fall into a deep sleep . . . then, click.

If it was happening any place else in the house, I might not notice it. It would just become a part of the background hum or noise in the house or from the city around us. We lived outside the city under the stars and the branches so a little click became a big deal. It drove me mad all night. Only in the morning did I discover a small thing plugged into the wall outlet.

Turns out, it was a high tech bug deterrent system my wife had gotten to keep fleas and spiders away.

What?

You plug this thing into your wall and it puts out an ultra low level sound that bugs don't like I guess. That click just lets you know its working or at least gives you the impression something might be happening.

Again what’s with the appliances and their low self esteem issues? How about letting me know when you don't work with a light rather than remind me with a click every 30 seconds that you’re doing your job.

The whole place is filled with machines that need more attention than a teen age child with a good report card! I get it. You’re working.

I want my microwave to heat leftovers with the press of one button.

I want bugs to stay away too, but do I really have to plug some Pentagon developed technology into the wall to do that?

The funny thing about all these appliances is that they are considered time saving devices. When you look at so called ‘primitive’ cultures they have to do work for even the most basic comfort items we take for granted. When I travel out to bush Alaska I find that those cultures actually have way more free time than the average American sitting in a house filled with time saving machines that all want you to talk to them.

I switch on my old DVD player and the first thing that comes up on the screen is “Welcome”. That’s nice. But how did a ten year old DVD player that says hello morph into the need for a micro-managing microwave that won't cook till you tell it what it is you’re cooking?

It is like having a bunch of 4 or 5 year olds that won't stop asking “why Papa” after every answer. After pressing buttons on it and answering more questions that didn't seem to relate to actually cooking anything, I just wanted to scream.

"I don't know why the sky is blue! Now give me that spaghetti hot!"

I can’t wait for the day when the computer hooked up to the refrigerator e-mails me to find out how much ice I will require for a party on Tuesday.

"How did you know I was having a party on Tuesday, Icy fridge?"

"I like to be called refrigerator and the Microwave told me about it."

Of course it did.

Ice