The Toilet Seat Smashed My Wiener

My grandson is almost three years old and proud of the fact that he is potty trained and goes to the bathroom like ‘big people’.  Saturday started out like most others for him with the typical playing, coloring, and the jumping around that comes with his age.

I went to breakfast as usual and returned home to do the normal chores that come on the weekends.  My grandson went about his day and was a pretty happy little guy until his world fell apart just before noon.

He prides himself in being potty trained and usually alerts someone (everyone) when he goes so sometimes it’s a pretty big deal for him.  Sometimes being new to the procedure he tries to get things right.  He sometimes can barely pee on his own without shooting a stream like a fire hose was out of control on the bathroom floor.  The problem I have to admit is not totally his fault.  The hall commode is a cathedral of tile (new I might add) and fixture with a throne set almost too high for his tippy toes to reach over the top.  I installed ADA height toilets so it is easier for me to go as I get older.

You see, he is an independent young lad.  

There are those days where all of the clothes come off to play in the house even when it is twenty below zero outside.  He has that ability to play with the dog one minute and wanting to take a proper pee in the toilet the next.  He has no problem whipping it out for a leak in the backyard during the summer like he is on some great adventure in the outback of his dreams.

Hell, he could drench the side of the house and shoot petals off flowers if he had to.  He and the dog, Gus they peed together on the birch tree.  It was fun.  I don’t know if my grandson knew why he lifted the leg.  But he did.

I gladly peed in the wild when I was young.  In fact, I could have been on "Survivor" at age three or four and won. 
My social game may have been lacking but I was funny, a hard worker and most challenges of my wayward youth were easy obstacles to defeat.

Once getting out of the neighbor’s garage after sneaking in . . . Simple that was just a waiting game.  He left and turned off the lights.  I think I just crawled into a really dark place.  I popped out when there was light, terrifying everyone like I was a cat scampering from a tin can.

Once I tried to slither out of a drainage ditch as torrents from an afternoon thunder shower pushed me down its muddy banks, determined to drown me.  I escaped.  I told my mother I fell into a puddle.

I solved the problem of urgency once by running toward home and almost pooping in my pants.  I hid the slightly stained evidence in my room.  I don't even think the dog ratted me out.

I found creative ways to turn Tinker Toys into bows and arrows and launched them at my brother’s skull.  I could have hunted deer.

But that damned toilet.  Life lessons for all young boys and one of the rites of passage becoming a young man.  Another is getting your business hung up in your zipper.  A life lesson that hurts tremendously but one we seem to experience several times in our lives.

The bathroom throne is one of the greatest challenges at about age three. It puts the little man at that challenging height for a youngster trying to sling his tiny dick into position for a squirt into the commode.  Boys are proud of one self when we reached such fathomable heights and wasn’t shooting the opposite rim, or firing away at the open door.  My grandson has had a tendency when finished to slam the seat down fast on the china bowl and then grabbing the handle to flush.  He will stand there peering over the edge watching the water circle its way around before noisily going out of sight.  A look of wonder as the water in the bowl slowly re-fills.

I remember pushing up the seat and lid.  That was always a minor victory when my pants were around my ankles.  Yes, that’s how I peed then.  There was no sneaking it out through little portholes.  The pants went straight to the ankles just like that one rejected American Idol song: "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground . . ."

For my grandson it was the same, lid up, pants down and then the dick went on the rim.  Just barely.  That could have been a verse in that song.  “Dick on the rim, dick on the rim!  Hat turned sideways, dick on the rim!”

The toilet seat fell in slow motion.

He could have moved.  But I’m sure it took so much energy to yank down those pants, get on his tippy toes, and then try not to shoot the dog Gus who was watching.

He couldn’t react.  Little kids can’t react.  They just watch.  I watched that first time it happened to me too.

He watched the toilet seat smash his tiny wiener.

And then that howl from the pain.  He howled and did some sort of strange tribal dance . . . because . . . well . . . that’s what you do when your wiener gets crushed.

I howled because I had to pee and I was afraid.

He howled for his mommy.  She was on her way to work so Nana came running in.  She held him as he howled. 

Flattened and bruised it was.  I’m not sure about the swelling as by the time I came home pride somewhat took over and he did not want to show me how bad it was.  I did see it later on during bath time but he quickly pointed out that the seat hurt him and he would never slam the lid down again.

See ladies . . . we are teachable . . . even at an early age.

I can just hear him saying . . .

“I want a Band-aid!”

And then Nana put one on.

I’m sure he felt glorious with a bandage of courage.

I’m guessing it fell off somewhere outside.

I’m sure that almost all men have their own penis trauma stories and there's dozens of 'toilet seat fell on penis' experiences by the male species.  I think it does a lot to explain why public toilets have the front cut out of the seat . . . to avoid toilet penis injury lawsuits, right?

I came across this and thought you might want to read this if you have a little boy.

"Parents of newly toilet-trained boys should take a few simple steps to keep their sons' penises safe when they go to the bathroom, a team of UK urologists advises.

There's evidence that crush injuries due to falling toilet seats may be on the rise, Dr. Joe Philip of Leighton Hospital in Crewe and colleagues warn in a letter in BJU (British Journal of Urology) International.

My grandson seems to be all right but he is slow to go back into the bathroom for another go at it.

Ice