Men Who Sit to Pee

As I enter the bathroom and lift the toilet seat I notice the intense light entering through the window projecting from the sun.  The light shines upon the toilet illuminating its presence as if it were a work of art.  As I begin to urinate I focus on the inner side of the toilet in order to decrease the amplification and splashing of my pee.  As I watch the pee enter the toilet I also notice an abundance of off-spray collecting upon the toilet’s seat underside, hinge, outer bowl sides and floor.  How disgusting I think to myself, all this pee everywhere.  From this moment on I began to wonder about all the pee from myself as well as my co-workers, glazing itself to the toilet.

Cleaning and disinfecting the toilet may be one of the ickiest exercises of the home or apartment and one never knows who is cleaning these at work.  Someone must because there are new rolls of toilet paper there every morning.  For many of us, this can be quite disgusting, but it is something we must do.  I remember reading an article many years ago titled “Myth: Toilet Seats are the Dirtiest thing in the Bathroom” by ABC News concluded that toilet seat’s are among the cleanest surfaces within the bathroom. Co-author Dr. Charles Gerba of The Germ Freak's Guide to Outwitting Colds and Flu was asked to measure ABC’s bathrooms with his Germ-meter.  Gerba defines a sanitary surface as something clean enough to eat off upon, with no more than 1,000 bacteria per square inch.  The toilet seat passed that test, however this only includes the seat’s top surface which is sat upon and not its underside.  Surprisingly the floor test revealed about 2 million bacteria per square inch.  Gerba says this is 200 times higher than a sanitary surface.

Men as well as women are both responsible for urine off-spray.  Ironically, it is safer to sit on a public toilet seat rather than to touch the handles located on the sink.  That is why public restrooms are going with auto faucets and hand dryers so as to not pass the germs from person to person.  Aside from the public domain I began to think about our private dwellings, those utilizing only the toilet and not the urinal.  Overall, women are known to sit while urinating and men are known to stand.  Why is this?  Why must men feel they have to stand?  It is biologically shown that it is easier for men to direct their urine opposed to a woman.  But what about the damn mess?  After living in a communal environment with both men and women I have found that women maintain a cleaner toilet by not splashing or off-spraying urine.  Whereas males leave behind a toilet glazed with urine and its lingering smell.

Within our culture it is common for women to sit and men to stand.  Is urinating while standing masculine?  What would happen if a man chose to pee while sitting?  Is this considered feminine or even gay?  Several years ago I worked with a male who always chose to pee sitting down.  Was it because it reduces splash, overspray and constant maintenance?  I don’t think so as I think his wife forced him into submission that wherever he went that was what he did.  I will say it did go with his personality.  Since then I have wondered if many other males share this same experience.  I have observed a few here and there in the airport while traveling, but based on my observations it is wacko to sit as opposed to stand for a man.  Women on the other hand will beg to differ as I’ll try to share some thoughts from women friends I have discussed this with.

First, a bit of light on the issue, the 'problem' as explained to me by various women is that men will get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, raising the seat to urinate, flushing, than heading off to bed.  Later the woman of the house will find her way to the darkened bathroom and, not being blessed with the anatomy of a man, she must stoop and sit.  The seat being up, the bowl is wider than normal and she finds herself "falling" into the cold, wet ceramic.  I suppose a cartoon could be used to illustrate the situation this woman finds herself in, and shows an example of a man who is thoughtful, albeit absentminded.

Second, let me explain the exact thought process that goes on in a man's mind, for the benefit of women, and men who have not thoroughly thought this through, leaving themselves at the mercy of shrill, demanding womenfolk with their seat demands.

When a man uses the bathroom in the middle of the night there is only one reason he would raise the seat intentionally.  This is to avoid urinating on the seat!  It requires a supreme effort of conscious decision making.  Half-asleep, stumbling in the darkness, bladder being squeezed in an uncomfortable manner, your man thoughtfully and consciously thinks that I had better raise the seat, if I don't I am sure to aim badly, and pee will get on the seat.  This will be cold and nasty to sit on later, not just for me but for the women in our life that we love so dear.  That is the exact thought process.  He raises the seat, drains the bladder, and goes back to bed secure in the moment, knowing he has made it a more comfortable life for his loved ones . . . only to be accosted in the morn with demands as to why the toilet seat was left up.

This seat thing is not an issue for men, just women.  If it were an issue for men, men would never make irrational seat location demands, they would approach the problem in an efficient and practical manner, and in the spirit of sharing I offer to some invention-minded female these ideas.  Use them freely, and perhaps become a hero to women everywhere and a millionaire in the process.

1. Perhaps a seat should be crafted that glows gently in the dark!  Since women seem unwilling to check the seat status themselves, this would make the seat location a bit more obvious, and nobody would have to turn on the bright lights at night.  It could even change colors, like the dial on my daughter's radio in her car.

2. Even better, maybe the bowls should be crafted with no seat. What is the purpose of the seat, anyway?  They wear out, the hinges become loose; they fall apart.  A bowl could be cast with a wide and comfortable lip acting as a seat, with a nice raised rim to hold the person on.  They could even be customized for a particular tush, as if we spend 10 minutes on the toilet each day that adds up to 4,380 hours in a lifetime.  182.5 days!  Almost HALF A YEAR!  Kohler needs to get started on that better seat!

3. Best of all - personal responsibility.  When I use the bathroom at 2 P.M. or 3 A.M., I will make every effort to be quiet and to leave the toilet as clean or cleaner than I found it.  I will assume total personal responsibility for the seat on the toilet, making sure it is up or down to my liking.  I will not need assistance using the restroom.  I will flush and leave the seat free of pee.  In return I ask that you do the same.  There is a great opportunity here for a female Anthony Robbins type, to lead women to the spiritual uplift and freedom that comes with being able to use the bathroom without outside assistance.  I see conferences, a lecture tour, best selling books! ('Take Charge of Your Toilet Seat - Take Charge of Your Life!) I can hear the glass ceilings shattering across America . . .

Join me ladies, join me in this call to freedom . . . freedom from having to follow some man around asking, pleading for assistance with your toilet using. You can do it!  You CAN assume total personal responsibility for the location status of your own toilet seat.  It's a new day here in America.  Join the movement!

Remember, if you ask me again I will NEVER raise the seat up.  I will just pee on it!  Nagging about never works it just makes selective listening go into affect with everyone being mad at each other.  Now that I am alone in my own place I can leave it up or down . . . whatever my liking!

Ice