Grief can have far reaching effects

Grief can have far reaching effects

“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Over the last several months my family has been going through some major changes to our lives due to an unexpected death in the family. It has brought with it many different feelings and thoughts about the short term future and long-time changes to things.

Trying to be an observer has been hard in that I lost a lifelong best friend and seeing the interactions of my family has been hard on me and everyone else.  Grief can take many forms in all of us and there are some shared emotions but I have found that it is a very different and unique experience for each of us depending on the relationship within our family structure.

Losing a husband, father, grandfather, brother-in-law, best friend, and so many other combinations is a complicated and sometimes trying thing for us to go through.  We each have a different perspective from which our life experience is seeing the situation and reacting to things going on around us.  All our feeling and turmoil’s are valid but there are so many things that have caused hurt feelings and possible misunderstandings because we each see things from a totally different perspective.

Trying to support each other and dealing with our own feelings of grief or uncertainty has been at times difficult and not what I would call our normal family temperament.  The dynamics changed when everyone was thrown into such an unfamiliar situation which changed so much of the family.  I found myself wanting to explore all of the different ways people respond to and learn to live with loss in a culture that generally tries to avoid it.  Grief is often described as a journey, but it’s an intensely individual and often isolating one: rarely do people speak openly about the range of ways of grieving, and there are many misconceptions about the grief process.  What many may think of grief occurring in stages what we have found that it is not a neat predictable experience.   It’s actually a jumble of feelings and thoughts that can have you flipping back and forth from one stage to another, between emotional highs and lows that can be terrifying at times.

Some of the things our family is going through over the last several months is:

Numbness or Shock, this can involve a sense of unreality and of being lost, as if you’re living in a bad dream.  You want to “wake up” and everything is normal again but finds that is not the case or will never go back to what once was.  In the extreme, you may feel as if you’re going crazy but that can feel like the lesser of the multitude of emotions going through you during this time. 

Disorganization, after the initial shock wears off our family has started going through a rush of emotions that can included sadness, anger, poor concentration, loss of interest or motivation, fear, guilt, denial, depression, regret and yearning.  We have gone so far as to even begin to question life choices, religious beliefs, relationships and the future.  This emotional upheaval is apparently normal and necessary in working through our grief.

Reorganization is partially where we are in the grieving process right now.  Going over things with the family business, vehicles, and property are all being worked on now trying to get the first priorities started or addressed.  Downsizing and slowly making adjustments to the priority list is starting to give some normalcy but the loss and tears are still flowing everyday as one thing triggers a memory or thing that takes everyone down for a bit only to remember the good things or times which are a mixed blessing.  Will this diminish over time and something positive replace this lost feeling we are all having I do not know but I know we all are a strong southern family so we will dig in, reach deep and put the broken pieces together again.  We will not have all the pieces but the spirit and love felt will get us going once again. With time hopefully we will be able to begin to adjust to the new life without Doug which was lost. We can then focus on life and enjoy moments of happiness again, even when thinking about our lost loved one.

Hopefully working through these stages, at our own pace, we, especially my sister, will eventually find a new normal for herself where she can reinvest in relationships with friends and activities.  So far the support from our friends here in Atlanta and elsewhere has been overwhelming. 

From Kenny Chesney song “Don’t Blink”:

"Best start putting first things first."
Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip over and start again
Take every breathe God gives you for what it's worth.

Don’t blink.”

Our family is truly blessed but I am reminded that the best moment to be happy is the one that is happening right now.  Don’t wait in your life to be happy with things, work, relationships, or so many things that you waste precious time with your spouse, brother, sister, grand kids, or other people in your life because it can be changed in an instant.  Keep us in your prayers my friends as we do for you.

Ice