WINTER IN ALASKA is coming
It’s getting to be that time again - - Wacky Winter - - when Chicken Little’s prediction finally comes true: The sky is falling. Winter comes to
What are we to do? Move away? Lock, stock, and Igloo? Pack up our bathing suits and the women their small bikinis (or, in some cases, orthopedic swimwear of the large kind). Put the snow plow on the front of your four-wheel drive, and as soon as someone says, “What is that thing?” you know that you’ve reached a warmer territory and can stop and buy a house.
If that is not an option, then make a list of the things that didn’t work out so well in the depths of last winter’s dark days. Don’t have a list ready yet or have you forgotten all of the little things that drove you nuts? Use mine as I think I have my list around here somewhere . . .
*It is a good idea to put your scissors in a safe-deposit box at the bank. For some reason, after many weeks of long, dark evenings women tend to wonder what she will look like with bangs, or short layers, or even a crew cut. This always goes in the “doesn’t work out well” column.
*If you own a gun, place that in the safe-deposit box, too. It usually becomes the means of scientific experiments, usually a week or two after the winter solstice. If one blows a nice-sized hole in the refrigerator, one can finally determine if the little light stays on or goes off when the door is closed.
*Buy some sand. Get a beach umbrella, kiddie pails and shovels and a beach ball; paint a sun on your bathroom ceiling and make a fake palm tree. Paint the inside of your bathtub blue and throw in some plastic fish. Wear your bathing suit and crank up all of your Jimmy Buffett Cd’s. All of us old parrotheads have to stick together. At first you will be ridiculed. Then you’ll wish your gun weren’t in the safe-deposit box so you could get the neighbors out of your tub.
*Get one of those S.A.D. lights that make you happy—they’re kind of like a grow light for people. In fact, get a grow light and some plants too. Stock up on bulbs for both apparatuses. But make sure you put the right bulb in the right light. Last year my violets were stunted, but they were okay with that at least that is what they told me. I was cranky and having erotic thoughts about philodendrons.
*Get used to the endless moving around of furniture that the women tend to do in the winter time. You come back home from work or an out of town trip and suddenly you see everything is moved around the room or has been picked up by Goodwill or the Bishop’s Attic. We are just into October with the start of winter just settling in and so far my wife has changed the house around two times so far. I feel like it is time to put on my snowsuit and crawl inside the refrigerator for awhile and just see what really happens with the light when the door is closed.
Have an Ice Day!
Ice
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