People often ask me how we spend the Holidays in
Alaska.
I’ve given it some thought now and have a few observations I’d like to share with you.
Well, to be honest, if you had a lick of a sense you’d leave.
It’s going to be D.A.D. (dead assed dark) for twenty hours of the day and if the temperature manages to get up to –05 degrees, well, that’s your
Holiday gift.
So, it’s a cinch no friends in their right mind from “Outside” world are coming to visit.
Yes, we have great skiing, snow machining, and ice fishing this time of year but you won’t see any relatives dropping in for a visit.
Sure, they will come up in the summertime and stay for weeks or months at a time, mooching off of your hospitality, drinking all of your beer, and eating all of the salmon and halibut they can stuff down.
Who wouldn’t?
But December? Get real.
If you spend the Holidays in Alaska, you have two options: You can get together with Cheechakos (Alaska newcomers) and celebrate. What that means is you’ll talk about snow. All kinds of snow and some you may not knew you know. You’ll find you have made up new names for snow: snizzle — that combination of snow and drizzle, fraks — the silver dollar sized snowflakes that land on your eye convincing you that you’ve grown an instant cataract. Then there is snitting — the little grainy, wind driven, snow that is wind blown that pelts you and give that free facial peel and sands your face or hands. There are the many variations of blowing snow, the sideways and up blown snow that you can never seem to hide from on the way to get inside your rig (truck). The gently falling soft dry snow in no wind that won’t stick together and later blows about by the wind creating whiteout conditions as you drive. Frankly, not much fun but it makes for an excellent adventure.
Or, you will accept the invitation to a REAL ALASKAN HOLIDAY. This is where most of the guests are long time Alaskans (Sourdoughs) who decide to have a little fun to brighten the dark nights during the holidays. When a Cheechako attends any Sourdough gathering there is an understanding - at least on the part of the Sourdoughs. The Sourdough provides the food and drinks while the Cheechako provides the entertainment — simply by attending this gathering. Cheechako baiting is a time honored tradition in Alaska and fun. For the Sourdough at least, who has fun with the Cheechakos naiveté.
Dress: Alaska formal. At least your socks should match at these gatherings.
Hostess gift: A Sourdough only wants one of two things that a Cheechako could have: coffee or hooch. These are the only two liquids a REAL ALASKAN admits to drinking. Both are referred to as Alaskan anti-freeze in the tourist guides.
Arrival: Your host will insist that you check your firearms at the door. This has saved many parties, “Last year Ethyl tried to shoot that Cheechako that kissed her Fred under the mistletoe.” (The Cheechako baiting begins.)
Appetizers: A plate will arrive with the traditional dish. Everyone (Sourdoughs) will wait to watch you (Cheechako) eat. It’s the official appetizer of Alaska and consists of pilot bread, a hunk of Spam, a piece of canned pineapple, and a toothpick. The toothpick will be the best part of this dish. Pilot bread has the taste and texture of cement. The Alaskans have placed bets to see how many teeth you will crack on that first and only bite. Eat the pineapple, feed the Spam to one of the many dogs that will be milling about the Sourdough’s cabin, put the tooth pick behind one ear, and save the Pilot bread for a weapon in case the party gets frisky later.
Dinner: Texans like to tell tall tales. Alaskans like them taller. Dinner will consist of food and stories of how the food was gotten. The moose roast being served was from a moose that was wrestled to the ground one handed. The salmon was tricked into the creel by reading Robert Service poetry aloud. The blueberry cobbler was made from blueberries snatched from the claws of a grizzly. All the dogs present have run the Iditarod, every man present has planted a flag at the top of McKinley, caught the prize winning halibut, been buried in an avalanche and has some jolly scars he’d be glad to show everyone. To say that we like to embellish a little bit would be an understatement.
I know by now you may be wondering about the presents. We have them, and not just run of the mill holiday fare. Earrings for the ladies made from our own local supply of varnished moose poop nuggets. Swizzle sticks topped with moose poo. Moose poo poopourri of all kinds. How about little figurines of mosquitoes made of moose poo. Lots of moose poo paraphernalia can be found at any great Alaskan party. Then out comes the wooden moose. You may not have seen this one but you push his head and jelly beans (or chocolate M&M’s) come out of his - - um - - poo place. That’s always a big hit. And if you’re from Texas, there’s the double gift for you: a metal bear trap looking thing about the size of a quarter: Alaska mosquito trap and a small can or insect repellent for Texas mosquitoes. They’re too small to trap. See how we pride ourselves on ‘big’ mosquitoes. This is accompanied with the famous bumper sticker: “See Alaska. Spend your money! Leave with a Texan under each arm.”
The last present is always the bear safety kit. A bear bell (worn by Cheechakos alerting the bear a meal is close by) and a pocketknife about an inch long as that’s all a REAL ALASKAN needs to take down a 10 foot Grizzly.
Farewells to the party: There are three signals to alert you that the party is over: The liquor runs out, the host and hostess passes out, or someone ignores the “No Shooting in the House” rule. It has already turned tragic this year in Wasilla at a holiday party.
We have had heavy snow today and the local evening news just reported that in the Metro area of Anchorage (1700 sq. miles) there was 126 Billion Cubic Feet of snow that has fallen in the last 24 hours. It will take the road crews about 72 hours to dig us out from this “White Christmas” we will be having. More snow is expected over the next several days.
I wish for everyone to have Happy Holidays in the coming days.
Be safe, thankful for our blessings, and enjoy this special time of year.
Ice
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