Santa Claus’ cousin, Bubba Claus

As a lot of you know, I’m Southern by Birth, Alaskan by the grace of God.


Checking in on the happenings in my former area I was surprised to find things shifting for the upcoming holiday.

I found this letter forwarded by relatives from Atlanta, Georgia.

To Whom It May Concern:

Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Alaska, Washington, Montana, Canada, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. I will still also handle those states bordering these to the south but will stop my rounds at the Mason-Dickson line.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind when you place that snack out for me. However, I'm certain your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us, including:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and a Moon Pie by the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll likely hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Jarrett, on Rudd, on Elliot, and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!" That lawsuit by those three streetwalkers probably had a hand in “Yee Haw” being used this year.

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a “Yosemite Sam” safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!"

7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus also refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as black cowboy boots.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Happy Holidays everyone.

Ice

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