Santa Claus’ cousin, Bubba Claus

As a lot of you know, I’m Southern by Birth, Alaskan by the grace of God.


Checking in on the happenings in my former area I was surprised to find things shifting for the upcoming holiday.

I found this letter forwarded by relatives from Atlanta, Georgia.

To Whom It May Concern:

Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Alaska, Washington, Montana, Canada, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. I will still also handle those states bordering these to the south but will stop my rounds at the Mason-Dickson line.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind when you place that snack out for me. However, I'm certain your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us, including:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and a Moon Pie by the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll likely hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Jarrett, on Rudd, on Elliot, and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!" That lawsuit by those three streetwalkers probably had a hand in “Yee Haw” being used this year.

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a “Yosemite Sam” safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!"

7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus also refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as black cowboy boots.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Happy Holidays everyone.

Ice

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Morrison Springs - Ponce de Leon, Florida

Image
Morrison Springs Ponce de Leon, Florida County road 181 Morrison Springs was one of our favorite dive spots on many of our Florida trips but it also had the most danger to it.  One of Northwest Florida’s best-kept secrets was known to more Georgia and Alabama folks than Floridians.  And they weren’t talking.  It had to do with the jewel of a Panhandle spring, a turquoise pool surrounded by stately cypress trees whose aerial roots stand taller than a man. Below the surface, clear, 68-degree water wells up from a spring cave source over 90 feet deep. Morrison Springs is just far enough off the beaten path in this sunny pine and cypress country to be special for any diver lucky enough to find and dive the site. The shallow pool reflects the overhead blue sky and if the water is clear and the bottom clean of silt, it resembles a giant sapphire.  Unlike some springs with a deep, black hole source, this one takes visitors gradually into its shallows from a golden-sand beach. Div
Read more

Are Showing Your Nipples Appropriate Work Attire?

Image
Let me first say that personally, I have no problem with it at all. This has been kind of a weird week here in the north land with the first of many winter snowfalls’s to come and the landscape once again beautifully covered in the white stuff. It looks like the kids will have to put their Halloween costume on over a snowsuit again this year as the cold snowy stuff is here again. That is not what I wanted to write about tonight but was necessary to set up what I did want to write about. “Frosty nipples” are quite common here during most of the year and when things cool down on the cusp of winter probably more so. Work attire with tight shirts or low cut blouses that ‘make a statement’ during colder weather could be taken several ways by co-workers or visitors to your place of business. While you may not always be taken seriously by others in the office and some may have trouble looking you in the face, I say it's a freedom of rights issue. If you want to show o
Read more

Biscuits and Whores

Image
Some of the best things about life I learned from Lonesome Dove. Great movie, excellent characters, and tells a story about how to live life. Augustus McCrae “It ain’t dying I’m talking about, it’s living.   I doubt it matters where you die, but it matters where you live.” I'm just tryin' to keep everything in balance, Woodrow. You do more work than you got to, so it's my obligation to do less. “Yesterday’s gone and we can’t get it back.” “I'm sure partial to the evening,' Augustus said. 'The evening and the morning.   If we just didn't have to have the rest of the dern day I'd be a lot happier.” Hat Creek Cattle Company Well we don't rent pigs and I figure it's better to say it right out front because a man that does like to rent pigs is . . . he's hard to stop. Biscuits “I never knew you to get excited about anything except biscuits maybe . . . and whores!”    Captain Woodrow Call to Augustus McCrae in Lonesome Dove. Whores L
Read more