Husband or Boyfriend Training

Or inside the Man’s brain.

We’ve had a little fun with the elections lately and I’m sure there will be a little more in the next couple of weeks. We can move on to something a little different and give you maybe a laugh or two.

I wanted to give the ladies a little insight into the makeup of the male being. Today, we’ll talk about how you can train your new hubby and possibly make him more obedient. Over the years I’ve observed or had some of these techniques used to make me into the man I am today. That may be good or bad depending on your perspective I guess.

The key to your success in training your boyfriend or spouse is trying to understand how . . . and if . . . his mind works, and then incorporating that information with proven training techniques.

Remember this . . . although your spouse likes treats, loves it when you rub his belly, and often chases the mailman down the street . . . he is not a dog and therefore does not think or react as a dog would. Your spouse does not communicate with you on your level . . . we can’t . . . and you should not think that he does.

For most of you, he may recognize the word “food” and associate it with walking into the kitchen . . . but that is only because it is a common action that occurs consistently before his plate appears in front of him.

If you change the verbal word you use to communicate with your spouse along the way, he will no longer understand what you want. Try saying the words “laundry” or “wash the dishes” and you’ll see that he has no idea where the food is kept.

Also, before you can even begin training your spouse, you must first establish what it is that you want him to do. Remember that husbands or boyfriends have an inherent trait to watch television and answer “yep” to everything you ask, including the question, “Does my rear end look like a beach ball in these pants?” You must let him know, by your behavior, that what he is doing is unacceptable.

This is known as spousal reinforcement . . . pronounced nagging by most men.

The following are a few tips to help you get the most out of your better half.

1. Never compare him to the man next door or down the street. Instead, compare him to your dad or your favorite rich uncle. Point out how he should be more like them.

2. Be consistent . . . For example, if you want him to perform a desired task, don’t just give up and walk away when he does not perform. Instead, use some type of reinforcement to show him that his behavior was not correct, such as withholding the TV remote or his dinner.

3. You should always be the first to initiate AND the first to terminate a conversation with your spouse, rather than the other way around. Otherwise, he might get the idea that he can talk to you whenever he chooses. He might even start telling those long boring “That time I shot that caribou up on the Alaska Range” stories that he talks about with his hunting buddies.

4. Avoid giving in to your spouse’s every whim. Only prepare a home cooked meal for him on the days of the week that do not end with the letter “Y”. Allow him the experience of finding two socks that match or a clean shirt. Don’t spoil him with answers whenever he asks where he put something. Allow him to dig up the back yard looking for it. (This will serve as exercise for him)

Reward him only for desired behavior, and never give him something just because he asks for it. In doing so, you will spoil him beyond repair.

5. When you are spending time with him . . . tell him funny stories such as how you just bought new furniture for the den . . . or about how you forgot to pay the electric bill last month. This will help establish the trust needed to set you forth as the wife or girlfriend.

The two most popular types of obedience training once called the old ball and chain (pronounced wedding band and marriage license) training; and reward training.

Allow me to give you a short overview of these two techniques.

The ball and chain type of training is used in the beginning as the tool to teach the correct behavior . . . then once the behavior is learned . . . the chain is only used to correct unwanted behavior.

Often a novice bride or girlfriend will yank the chain to tease the husband or boyfriend. This defeats the purpose. The chain should be used only to get the man to obey. You must also be able to utilize any tool at hand to solicit the correct behavior from your spouse . . . such as hissy fits . . . screaming . . . pouting and as a last resort . . . tears.

Reward training on the other hand usually incorporates smiles, hugs, food, and/or a reward that is associated with buying a bass boat, a set of golf clubs, or a new hunting rifle. The associated award could be with the command “you need some new toys!” Many wives now use a wink as an associated reward. (Think Sarah Palin)

In order to make the reward trained spouse reliable, work him around distractions in his environment and teach him proper socialization skills (i.e. boss him around in front of his buddies).

If you only train your spouse at home, he will not be used to extra humiliation. The well trained hubby, then exposed to a crowd, may not respond as desired. When reward training, it is important you train him both alone and around other people, to make sure your spouse is exposed to as much humiliation (pronounced hen-pecking) as possible. Men, we really hate this and once trained is quickly broken to the desired level.

Another important tool in communication between you and your hubby is the tone of your voice when delivering a command. The command “Let’s go look at snow machines” will have a more promising tone. The excitement in your voice will be picked up by the man and he will eventually associate it with the feelings of acceptance for that response to the previous command.

The word “No” will have a more whiny, bossy, or don’t-even-think-about-it tone, usually associated with a negative response . . . such as a stern stamp of the right foot if ball and chain training.

The husband will eventually establish that tone as an indication that he must never again ask to go on weekend hunting or fishing trip . . . and he will probably mow the lawn or pressure wash the house instead.

Proper training of your man and a complete understanding of his behavior is of utmost importance, especially when he finally decides to file for that divorce he’s been wanting since week two of the marriage.

This will enable you, as the wife, during the court room proceedings, to understand exactly what he is willing to give you in the divorce settlement, and whether or not you will be living out of the trunk of your car for the next few years.

I hope this gives you a better understanding of man’s being and how we are totally screwed up pretty much without your help. Enjoy!

Ice