Alaska . . . ‘you betcha’

Anytime anyone leaves Alaska and heads Outside to any other state for any reason, there is a certain protocol that must be followed.

With all of the media attention recently surrounding Sarah Palin there were scores of media personnel scouring the state looking for any story they could dig up . . . or make up to put out there for the world to see.

If you are a member of the media and are from another state, it is imperative that you take the following lists seriously, lest your written or broadcast piece read as "untrue" or "unrealistic." When writing about Alaska it is acceptable to pull a Jayson Blair and use a movie and a few stereotypes as reference material.

You must use the following adjectives somewhere in your piece for it to read true:

Wind-swept

Tundra

Glacial

Icy

Lonely

Aurora

Sparse

Native

ANWR

Solitary

Mountainous

You must make reference to the movie "Mystery Alaska".

Mention “Deadliest Catch” and how crazy those guys are.

Ask if we say "you betcha" or is that just a Sarah thang.

When we say we don't talk like that, call around until you find someone (perhaps an old-timer (Sourdough) not so far removed from the motherland) that does and say "yes, all Alaskans talk like that".

Assume we're all Scandinavian if not native.

Ask to see our furry hats, yes many have them.

You must make it sound as if it is always winter.

Say it's often 20 or 30 below during the entire winter; find the person that brags about how awful it can get, and then quote them for five paragraphs.

Ignore any descriptions of a beautiful spring, summer and autumn season.

Make us sound tough despite the fact that we have heat, electricity, and snow blowers.

Go totally ga-ga on the fact that we leave cars running or plug them in during the hard winters.

Tell your readers that the car engines will freeze.

Talk about cold fingers and frozen nose hair.

Alaskans must always be described as quaint and down home-sy or folksy.

Find the idiots who revel in perpetuating all your stereotypes and are foolishly proud. Find the moron wearing the "you betcha" T-shirt. Make the state sound like a cross between Garrison Keillor’s Lake Wobegon and Mystery Alaska except 50 degrees colder. Find the urban person from outside of Alaska who recently moved to Alaska so they can tell you how different Alaska is compared to where they came from and take that as a sign from God on high that the state and her people are Martians; let their take on the state be yours as well.

Marvel at the thought that anyone from Alaska could possibly function in the modern world outside the state's borders.

A couple of things to note:

We do have electricity (in all the cities and in most villages).

We say all the consonants and vowels in words as we speak because they are there for a reason. Admittedly we have dropped the ‘g’ on some words at times.

We do have contact with the "Outside” world.

Alaska has one of the highest per-capita percentages of citizens on the internet, including high-speed access where it’s available.

We do use the same currency as the rest of the country.

We do know how to read. Very well for many of us since the long dark nights lends itself to a good book.

The movie Insomnia wasn’t anything about Alaska or the ‘midnight sun’ so quit asking. And yes, “Men in Trees” and “Northern Exposure” were written by Outsider’s who probably took a cruise ship to Alaska for their point of view slightly missing the real quirkiness and true wonder that is Alaska.

Hopefully one day an Alaskan writer will pen something that truly reflects the uniqueness and personality of our people. Maybe I’d better get working on that soon and not just be frustrated watching other people’s ideas on what this place is all about.

Until then . . .

Ice